Well, I'm not going to be able to be in 'Break the Wall 2'. I've kind of been unsure about what was happening for a while, kind of waiting for a yes or no from Mom and Hank, but unable to call them because I've just kind of left things so ambiguously any attempt to bring the subject up now would have seemed like I felt I was entitled to go. And then i got an e-mail from Mom, berating me for not be appreciative enough of what people do for me, and that kind of brought things to a head. I realized, you know, I really don't deserve to go to Japan this month. I really have done nothing to earn it, nothing to make them want to do this for me. Since I got back, I've been nothing but selfish and standoff-ish, and wrapped in some sort of idea of entitlement brought on by my own loneliness and wish not to be here, to be back in Japan. Which I suppose is valid, but not justified, and certainly not the way to go about making people want to do nice things for you.
And I called Mom, and she agreed with me, and we talked a lot, especially about how it's all really mystifying to me, why thigns turned out the way they did. I mean, I do want to go. I really do. There's been times when I've thought, I should be fighting for this more, I should be pushing this more, because I do want to go that much. And yet I couldn’t. It was like I came back here to 'normal life' and everything in Japan seems unreal, like a dream. Where I am at the moment has always seemed more real to me than where I’m not. The whole rhythm of life here is like some kind of hypnosis, numbing me back into this lethargic state of no energy to do anything, not even things I care about.
I mean, what I hate most in the world is not being able to do something I want to do, even though I've tried everything I can do make it happen. I hate things being out of my power like that. So normally, I would have been fighting this until the bitter end, doing everything I could to make them understand, to keep the question a constant dialogue.
But I didn’t. I really can’t explain it. Why I didn’t try harder, why I didn’t keep talking with Hank and Mom more about it, try harder to show them how much I wanted to go, and how much I was willing to do to make that happen.
Because I still want to be there, with everyone, and hurts not be, but I guess what it comes down to is, I really don’t think I’ve earned the trip. I do think that I’ve earned a place on the stage. I worked really hard while I was in Japan, and even back home, I’ve been practicing the dances this entire time on my own. So I think I’ve earned a place on the stage. I just don’t think I’ve earned a place on the plane.
And looking back, I’m really not proud of how I’ve been acting. And I hope that I can turn this into something positive, that will make me more aware of really being thankful for things, and really letting people know that, really letting people know what’s going on inside my head.

I typed the situation, and my feelings all out, and sent it to Anna-san last night. And when I woke up this morning, this letter was in my box.


"A-chan thanks for your e-mail! It's really too bad you can't be in the live this time, but I understand your feelings! This is a decision that you've come to thinking positively, so I want to support your feelings! You have the strength and the pureness to learn and be positive about any situation you find yourself in, and I think that's amazing! We'll all work hard in the live for you.
Even if you're not standing on the stage with us, that does't change the fact that you were with us throughout rehersals, and that time is engraved into everyone's hearts. So in our hearts you are standing on the stage with us!Do your best over there, A-chan! And please keep supporting us!"

Which is just the sweetest thing ever, and almost made me cry.

So, I don't know. I'm trying to be positive, to turn this into something I can learn from. And, also, another thing Mom and I talked about was that it might not be the best thing for me to go back so soon, because it would just make the pain of having to leave everyone again so much more real, and I don't know if I want those wounds openned again so soon.

Lastly, I just want to say, thanks Joel, for helping me get through all this. I don't know what I'd do without you.