Second full day being home. I now fluctuate from happy and content to almost in tears and wanting nothing but to be in Japan. The latter generally occures when something doesn't go the way I want it, for example, when the cake I made today turned out to be a total failure, so I have to make a new one again tomorrow, or when the jet lag really hits, which is when I don't want to do anything but sleep, and just feel bitter and sad, and don't care about Christmas or anything else. Cy came over today, which made me very happy. It was so great to see her, although I was slightly out of it. LOL She will be coimng over to hang out on Friday, which makes me happy. Seeing her just made me realize again how much I've missed her this year.
Also had a good talk during dinner with Hank, in which he praised my writing skills, which made me very happy, although I'm skeptical, because I see so many better writers than myself. But it made me happy to know that he thought that way about me, because I do value his judgement on things of that nature. Also decided to persue translating the Rose of Versailles this year for school, possibly even consider a thesis on it. So that should be fun.
So, for the moment I am relatively content, and tomorrow is Christmas. Although I have no presents for anyone, which I feel kind of bad about. But I may sing a song for people. We'll see. I would do it more if the microphone works.
Well, everyone have a fabulous Christmas! I love you all!!

 
Still adjusting to being home, understandable, I suppose as I haven't even been home for a full day yet. Last night I spent about two hours just crying my eyes about, absolutely sobbing uncontrollably, because I didn't want be here, I didn't want to be home, all I wanted was to be back in Japan with all the girls from dorm, and JWU, and my host family, and everyone at LoveJunx. I spent most of that time crying in the bathroom, because I didn't want Mom to hear, because I didn't want to hurt her by telling her that I really didn't want to be here. But she heard me eventually, and so we ended up having a really long talk, during which she told me that she just wants me to be happy, and she knows how happy I am in Japan, and that I don't have to make it a contest, or feel like I need to want to be here, because she knows that she and everyone else are my family, and she knows how much I love her and all of them. It was so good to hear all that, because I do feel bad about not wanting to come home, because I know how much people want me here, and how happy it makes them all. The thing is, of course not wanting to be in the place is no reflection of how I feel about the people, I love everyone here so much, more than I could ever, ever say, and you are all the reason why I'm here. So after talking to Mom, I was able to know that while it's fine to be miserable for a bit, and to miss everyone from Japan like crazy, I can't waste my time here by missing out on the reasons that I did want to come back. And that was to spend time with all of you who I love so much.
I also was able to talk to Mom about going to Japan in February, and she said that she wants me to go if it's at all possible, but I still have several other parents to convince.

'

 
Well, I am safely back home. I had to wakeup at 6, and the obasans gave me breakfast, and a present, which includied taxi money, all of which made me almost cry, and then Chiruchiru and Ikue helped me call a taxi, and a lot of 2kai came down (along with Shittsu and Erika) to say good bye. I ran into Eri as she was coming in, and she cried and hugged me. Then the taxi came, and I hugged everyone in turn (everyone gave me good tight hugs, and a bunch of people cried, and I almost cried. I went to the airport with Ayako and Okaasan and Haru-chan, and after we got everything checked in (I didn't have to pay extra for my bag, thank god!), we took some pictures, and hugged, and Ayako sort of cried, and I almost did. Then I boarded the plane. The flight went pretty quickly. I was very happy to see that one of the movies on the plane was Potc, so I watched the Japanese dub of it. It was pretty good, although, Jack wasn't as Jack-like. And Saavy became 'Owakari?', with a weird rising intonation on the 'ri'. I also watched 'Bruce Almighty', which is a Jim Carrey comedy about how he gets all of God's powers, and it must be a mark of how emotional I am/was that I almost cried at the end. LOL Then I watched 'League of extraordinary Gentlemen', which I quite liked, especially Dorian Grey, and our buddy Stuwart Townsend was redeemed in my eyes, for I decided that he really can act, and QotD was just a horrible movie. But we knew that already. I also had a tiny moment of Alan Quartermain/Tom Sawyer which then got too father-son squicky, but then I decided that Tom is lovers with Huck back in the States, who would of course be grown up Elijah, although I'm not sure if he makes as good a Huck now as he did when he was like 10. BUt anyway, yay grown up Tom/Huck slash. Then I watched almost all of Le Divorce, which I liked, and made me decide that I wanted to be the the mistress of a rich sophisticated French guy like that, but the video service ended right as the big action scene started. Movies aside, a considerable amount of time was also spent listening to sad music and reading the letter from Ayako and crying. And then, as the plane started our descent into NY, I started bawling again. So I was sobbing through our whole taxi-ing into JFK, because I was just landing in the US, but all I wanted to do was go back to Japan.
So, now I am home, and I can't beleive that my year in Japan is over, and I won't be able to see any of the dorm girls, or the JWU girls, or the Ryugakusei, or LoveJunx for a long time. It's just too painful.

 
For the party I dressed in my pretty pretty garter belt set from Peach John and white fishnets, my white Christmas Party dress, my exorbantly expensive Pinky Girls shoes, Kinoko-chan's white knit stole, (fake) pearl necklace and bracelet (how much of a dork am I that pearl bracelets remind me of Princess Serenity, still?) my sparkly cross necklace, and put my hair up (this is one of the times I'm glad I have curly hair - you can just twist it up and it looks all decorative). When I got to the station, I sat and waited in the freezing cold until Yukiko and Aman-chan came, followed by the woman who's name I don't knwo who has a little girl, and Takako-san, and eventually Atsuko-san came to get us. My shoes were hurting my feet alot, so I limped in the back with Aman-chan. LOL
Then we got there, and kind of helped set up. Odagawa-kun and I tried to put up the Christmas lights, but there was no tape. Atsushi appeared, and he was wearing a suit. Everyone said he looked like a host, which made me remember Namio's story about how the puppies got scouted to be hosts one time when they were walking in Shibuya. To me, he looked like a kid at the prom, or possibly graduation. He looked very good in a suit. And I got to take a bunch of pictures with him. Yay. After that we kind of wandered around. I was a bit discontent because Anna-san hadn't noticed me. She was rushing around very busily, still in her coat, the whole time, but she would stop to say hello when Pop kids came over. Which of course is understandable, the kids are younger and more sensitive, and she always needs to be friendly to them, and of course she was really busy setting things us, and I knew all that, but I had partially dressed up so she would say I was kawaii, but she never did, so that was kind of disappointed. See, the LoveJunx Christmas party had two parts for me, the beginning, and the end. Most of the beginning was spend both in a vaguely numb haze because it was the last time I'd see everyone, and in that silent agony because Anna-san was so busy and I wasn't getting to spend time with her/ she wasn't noticing me, etc, etc, and that she'd never look at me the way I really want her too, and that it would always be like this. So, yes,the first half of the party, albiet the eating and singing on the stage with Hyper of Christmas Carols, and all was kind of spoilt by the last time issue and the unrequited dare I say love? issue, which was aggravated by the fact that it was the last time I'll see everyone for a while, which made me even more desperate for contact.
To back up a bit, I had been waiting anxiously for Anna-san to take her coat off, and was quite stunned when she did. She looked gorgeous, so elegant and grown up. (I mean, I know she is 32, but still. She looked...sophisticated. I think it was partially that she had full makeup on, as opposed to lessons, where she doesn't wear makeup?) Anna-san was wearing a floor legnth black dress (it covered her feet), with two sets of beaded straps (one halter criss-crossing in the back, and one just shoulder straps). It showed off her beautiful hour-glass figure wonderfully, and she just looked so beautiful. Her figure, btw, was even better than usual, we found out, because she was wearing a 'new bra' which is a bra with silicon in it. I'm not sure how the conversation came up, because I walked into it halfway, but she was talking about it to a bunch of Hyper girls. I went over because everyone was crowding around Anna-san and talking, and I came to see, touching her breasts. So of course I thought, well I can't miss out on this, so I asked what was going on, and Anna-san explained about her 'new bra', and I touched her breast. Or rather, her silicon. LOL It was very squishy. Then she turned around, and someone mentioned that they thought the dress only needed on set of straps, and I touched Anna-san's back, and I think her shoulder too,just lightly. But then I stopped, because along with some reverence, I felt very possesive and entitled to touch Anna-san, which I decided wasn't a good thing LOL.
Maiko-san was there as well of course, and I gave her a quick hug when she came in, although she was also busy at first. Then I got to talk to her a bit later, and see her dress. She was wearing a short black dress, with a flowy assymetrical chiffon-ish skirt, and an almost corset-like top bound by cross-crossing black ribbon. I think it was the short version of the long orange dress I saw and almost bought in 109, although I didn't, because it was this horrible shade of pumpkin orange, as they had run out of black. She was also wearing her navy suede boots she wore to the Halloween party, and her hair was half up in these fancy loops, her bangs swept to the side in typical Maichin fashion. She also looked very very pretty.
Namio-kun was wearing a red t-shirt, and windpants and a red bandana. LOL
The first part of the part consisted of a lot of chatting and eatting, and taking pictures, and was generally unfun, or rather, not as fun as the Halloween Party, due to reasons stated above. I think it would have been more fun if it hadn't been my last LJ thing, so I had had a bit more yoyuu. Um. leeway? I mean, if I hadn't needed eveything to happen THEN. Hyper gave out dashi-mono, which was us dressed in white shirts and green striped vests with red bows and bells, shaped in kind of a Christmas formation, singing Rudolph in English (I had to hold the mic and sing into it because of the English), and then Silent Night (kiyoshi kono yoru) in Japanese, and I was embaressed, because I wasn't sure if the kids were enjoying it, because I mean, it was in English, and also because, as Sacchi said, 'Shouldn't Maiko-san be singing? Why are we singing?' LOL we were singing in front of the ex-chief instructor of Actors, and the ex -leader of B.B WAVES' Song Team. But somehow we got through it, and everyone clapped.
Then they had a present drawing where they drew names out of a hat. Ai-chan and Marilyn and Tomo-chan all went into a frenzy when some of the Pop mothers whose numbers had been drawn hugged Atsushi after receiving their presents, because they all wanted to hug him too, and kept saying things like, 'We don't need the presents, we just want to hug Acchan!!' Some people got bolder,and hugged everyone, even Anna-san (causing everyone to ooooh!) Namio picked up two of the mothers, and everyone awwed agaid. I almost won a MD player, because it was Atsuko-san's number, and I had picked up both our numbers, and just happened to give her that one instead of the one I took. We all got daily planners, and were going to hug Atushi, but of course none fo us really could. But he gave me the thumbs up. LOL Then we exchanged presents, the same way we had in the dorm, by all sitting in a circle, and passing them to music. The music happened to stop with Aman-chan, who was next to me, getting Maichin's present. Partially because I wanted the present Maichin had bought and partially because the one I got was very big, and there was no way I was going to be able to fit it in my suitcase, I had Aman-chan trade with me. Hee hee. After the present trading, Anna-san and Maiko-san talked about something. But all of a sudden, 'Love Song Sagashite' started playing, and onto the stage jump a Pop mother (apparently) all in black, with a huge blowup of Anna-san's face from the cover of the single as a mask. Anna-san looked shocked, and then smiled extremely embaressedly, and covered her ears. Then, still laughing with suprise and embaressement, and saying 'Hazukashii!!!!', she began to sing along. At least I assume she was singing along, but you couldn't hear her over the vocals of the CD, so she may have just been lipsynching. At any rate, although she was smiling, you could tell she was quite embaressed. LOL After the song ended, she said ' In case people don't know, that was my debut single. I was 14 when it came out.
I had no idea they were going to do do that! Sumimasen!!! I was so shocked that I forget what I was talking about. Oh yeah...' and she went to explain some things about the live. I was very pleased by this whole turn of events, because it's always been a fond wish of mine to just play LSS out of the blue some time like that, and see what Anna-san would do. I only wish we could have actually heard her singing it now. But it was so surreal to see her now, pretty much lipsynching, to her old song. To have it really put together like that.
I believe after the setsumei was done, this was the end of the party. Much of the end of it was spent taking pictures with people. I found Maichin, and she asked when I was leaving, and I said on Monday, and she wa suprised. She hugged me tightly, and clasped my hands, tears in her eyes, and told me to write a lot of e-mail to her, because she would really come to my house! Then I was wisked away to takemore pictures with people, but I finally was able to seek out Anna-san, when she was at the CD player. I said Anna-san! And she said 'This is it, huh?' and as I was about to hug her, she cried 'A-chan!' and gave me a big, long hug. Then she patted me on the shoulder, and clasped my hands, saying, how sad it was that I was actually going home, but that 'I think that no matter how far away we are, our feelings are always together.', and that she would always be waiting for me, and for the day that she got to see me again. She said some other stuff, which I actually don't remember now, because I was concentrating so hard on clasping her hands tightly, and listening and nodding emphatically, but I I think it was about me going home, and being safe, and taking care of myself, and then she said, she still clasping my hands, 'And I know I said it before, but when I write my book, I really do want you to translate it into English for me!', and she bowed and said 'Onegai shimasu!', and I said I will!! many times, and then she said, looking teary eyed, and clasping her hands together that she hoped that I would be able to come back in Feb. for the Live, and then she patted me on the shoulder again, and told me to have a safe trip home, and very earnestly, said, 'Ganbatte!' in away that made me feel that I had wonderful things I should be ganbaru'ing at, and that my life was right and wonderful whatever way I chose to live it. Her goodbye the other day, as heartfelt as it obviously was, was more formal, but this goodbye was very personal and intimate, just her to me, and I really felt like we were equals, and I really got a sense of how much she really does care about me, when it all comes down to it, and there's no one else she has to focus on.
Then I took another picture with Atushi, and then I went to take one with Namio-kun. We did an American style pose, according to him, LOL, and he asked when I was leaving, and I told him. He told me to have a safe trip, and patted my shoulder and said, 'Come back soon! We're waiting for you!' (Hayaku kaetekite! Matteru yo!)', and we did a little handshake high five kind of thing, and he said 'Next time we'll go to Shinjuku again!!' and made the drinking motion, and then said it again. I was really moved by all this, especially how he told me to 'come back home', meaning Japan/Hyper. I really like Namio, he's so nice.
Then there was more hugging and whatnot, even some of the Pop kids hugged me, which I was really happy about. Then the Hyper members led me outside, and presented me with a white windbreaker which LoveJunx written on the back, and everyone's handwritten messages all over it, even Anna-san and all the instructors, except for Yuuta, Atsuko-san explained, because they couldn't track him down, but they would force him to sign something, and send it to me, even though it might take awhile. (Anna-san’s message says ‘A-chan! Daisuki!! (heart mark) zetttai mata aou ne! [I love you! We have to see each other again, no matter what!, and Maichin’s says ‘A-chan no tokoro ni asobi ni iku kara nya!’ [I’m gonna go to your house, ok!] Atushi’s says Funky ni ne1 [keep it funky], which amused me to no end. LOL ] Atusko-san said that there would always be a place for me at Hyper, and when I came back, they would welcome me back with 'Okaeri!' (This is where I started to cry). Then all the members (even Odagawa-kun, after a moment's hesitation, and Uchida-san) hugged me. Tano-san gave me a pink and red handmade omamori to put on my bag that has a picture of all of us in it, and will protect me. It was so sweet. Then Anna-san's okaasan told me goodbye and that she hoped I'd have a safe trip, and they would see me again soon, and then I took a picture in my Jacket with Anna-san and Maiko-san, who both linked arms with me. Then I took some more pics with Hyper members, and we made our way out the door, waving goodbye to everyone. Then I saw Atsuko-san, who was saying goodbye, kiss Anna-san on the cheek, and Anna-san kiss her back, and I knew that this was a chance I'd never get again, so I ran back, with a cry of 'No fair, I'm the one leaving!' (LOL), and kissed Anna-san on the cheek. I don't think she knew what I was going to do at first, because she didn't turn her head right away so I could reach her cheek, and so she had to swerve with look of bewildered/horrified (komatta) (awkward?) suprise, because I think she thought I was going to kiss her mouth (if only...), but then I was able to kiss her cheek, and she prompted kissed mine in return, after a moments hesitation. Then I kissed Maiko-san on the cheek, and she kissed me back, which all went very smoothly, as she knew what was happening. LOL Then we waved goodbye, and I walked out with the Hyper members, resolved never to wash my face, although a tiny bit mortified, because the cheek kissing things with Anna-san had been a bit awkward, and the look on her face had been very uncomfortable for me, because it had been a bit embaressing. But still yay. I am glad for the Japanese misconception that Americans kiss each other as an everyday greeting or goodbye.
So I walked out with everyone, and then we said goodbye, and hugged again, and waved and waved. I walked to the station with Tazuko-san and Aman-chan, and ended up riding with Aman-chan until she had to get off at Ikebukuro. We talked about how glad we were to meet, and she said she wished she'd joined earlier,and seemed a little tearful, as was I, and I looked out the window and all of a sudden I saw Tokyo Tower, glowing in the blackness of the night, and it was so moving. Then we talked about Aman-chan's name, because it's so unusual, and she told me that her family used to be samurai, and that her great great (I think) grandfather was in the battle that the end of 'The last Samurai' was based on, and he got an arrow through his cheeks, but he lived. I asked her what he did about the arrow, and if he took it out, or lived the rest of his life with an arrow through his face, but she said she had been too scared to ask the answer. Then I told her about the Countess, and we decided that if we had lived in the past, we would have been like the female last Samurai, except we wouldn't have fought then, but just said 'Ganbare Tom, Ganbare Ken!' LOL Then her stop came, and she got off, and we waved to each other, teary eyed, until the train pulled away.
When i got home, I read my Jacket, and the letters people had written me, and cried a bit. Everyone is so wonderful. I mean, my feelings for Anna-san especially, but also Maichin and whatnot, are such that I'm usually so focused on them, especially in my journal entries, but really, everyone else is so amazing, and I love them all very much, and all thetime that I've spent with them, even if it doesn't make it into the journal as much. Because, like I realized after our first live, LoveJunx, Hyper, is really all of us, as well as Anna-san and the others. It's everyone.