I’m taking a quick break from my paper to write up yesterday’s Hyper lesson. A lot of people commented on my hair, and said it looked really nice, and I look older, more sophisticated, etc. We went in to wait in the lobby and watched the end of the Pro class. They were practicing the Ending song for the Live, Shanghai Honey, and it was so much fun to watch Anna-san really dancing with them; once again I marveled at how good she is a free style dancing like that. I mean, there are some people who are great choreographed dancers, but have no idea what to do when they have no steps to follow, but she has such a talent for freestyle dancing like that, she really captures the mood of the song, and looks so cool, and most of all you can tell she’s having a blast. It was especially neat to watch her interact through her dancing with the Pop Kids. After Pro Class was over, a bunch of the kids went over to Anna-san who was getting a drink, and talked to her a bit on their way out, and she always smiled warmly and listened completely to them. After the kids had left, she noticed my hair. ‘Aah!’ She exclaimed, which was a lot of people’s first reactions. ‘A-chan, did you cut your hair? It looks so good!’ I smiled and thanked her and was very happy. Then we did exercise, which were led by Namio in a bright yellow t-shirt. My straight hair got in the way a bit, so it was hard to see. LOL After we finished, Namio ambled over, touching his head. I nodded and touched my hair. He gave me the thumbs up sign and said, in English ‘Good Job!’ I laughed and said ‘Thank you.’ Then we practiced ‘Miami’, and then Yagyugaiden. As usual, for Yagyugaiden we reviewed a lot of parts carefully, because they were getting sloppy. There was a bit of confusion over the part where we all stand in a line and do poses in a kind of domino effect, over who did what pose. There was especially a bit of confusion with my own pose, because Anna-san told me it was the opposite direction than I had thought, but then it turned out she was talking about the direction to slide after it. I felt a little sad at one point when, when Anna-san was explaining to one of the girls which pose to do, she said, ‘Because A-chan can’t be in the live, remember?’ Even though it’s true. At this point at least. I don’t know. Everyone wants me to be in it, Anna-san, and all the other people in Hyper, supposedly there is even a plan to raise money for my airfare. And I got an e-mail from ANA about special cheap fares, which will be available for that time period, by coincidence, today. The only problem is, I don’t feel like this is a good time to discuss it with my parents. I mean, I’m not even back in the States yet for one, combined with the fact that everyone’s dealing with Pop-pop’s death, etc, I don’t want people to think I’m being selfish, etc, so I really don’t feel like it’s a good time to bring it up.
After we practiced Yagyudaigen a few times, and I tried to employ my new and improved channeling of Tom Cruise in the Last Samurai, which was trying to pretend to be an Takarazuka Otokoyaku playing Tom Cruise, but it just came out even worse, because I kept concentrating too much on the acting that I messed up on my steps, and also the idea was so funny I kept cracking up. LOL So anyway, after we finished Yagyugaiden, we worked on our group dances. Since my group, the Tanoshii group at decided to let Anna-san choreograph our dance for us, we sat on the floor and waiting until she called over the ‘Happy’ (in English) group. (Which produced a complaint by Emi that we were ‘tanoshii’ not ‘happy’, but Anna-san told her that yes we were but ‘Happy’ sounded better than ‘Tanoshii’, and she was going to say introduce us as the ‘Happy’ group at the live, so there. LOL) So we all gather around her next to the MD player. I sat next to her, and was supremely happy. Anna-san played us two songs that she had been thinking of to get our opinions, and also told us that if we thought of any songs we’d like to do, we should tell her. The first song she played was the Spice Girl’s ‘Wanna Be’. I sang along to it a little, and so did Anna-san next to me, which made me happy. The next song was a half Japanese half English completely on crack version of ‘It’s a Small World’ sung by little high pitched children, which was so cutesy that I wanted to shoot myself. After it was over, Anna-san asked us what we thought. Emi-chan and I wanted #1, but Anna-san said that #2 would be so cute and fun, and we could all dress up like someone from a different country. But #1 would be pretty much the same as ‘Miami’, which was also fun. Emi-chan said that Miami wasn’t fun. Anna-san said that it was fun, maybe just not for Emi-chan, and it would be more fun for the audiance to see a new kind of dance than two that were similiar. Emi-chan said that she would rather she have fun. Anna-san asked, half joking, ‘So, you’re saying you don’t care if the audiance is bored?’ And Emi said she didn’t. LOL So Anna-san kept trying to sell us on the Small World song. (Anna-san: ‘Wannabe is so ordinary.’ Emi:That’s good. I like ordinary! I want to be ordinary!’) Emi-chan asked, ‘Didn’t you play to them get our opinions?’ and Anna-san replied, ‘Yes, but I already know which one I like better.’ She grinned. ‘I’ll make you do it even if you don’t want to. Maybe I’ll just be like, Oops, you mean it wasn’t #2 you chose? Oops, I’m so soorry! I already made the dance to it. Since we don’t have any more time, just learn it, ok?’ (Are 2kyokume ja nakatta kke? Gomeeen! Mou, furi tsukucchatta! toriaezu, jikan nai kara oboetekite!) Shun-kun, the elementary school boy, wanted number 2. So finally Anna-san said she’d ask the rest of the groups opinions, and if we REALLY didn’t want to do #2 it was ok. The ‘meeting’ ended with Anna-san jokingly accusing Emi-chan of not having any dreams, and been impure because she didn’t get excited about Disney Parades, and scolding her not crush Children’s dreams when she told Shun that there was just some old guy inside Mickey.
Then I realized that everyone was getting ready to leave, so I rushed over to alert Atsuko-san, and we stopped everyone to get out the cake for Anna-san. It was a very beautiful cake, and she crowed ‘Kirei!!’ when she saw it. So we all took a picture (I got to be next to Anna-san) and sang Happy Birthday, first to Anna-san then her mother (Anna-san’s is 12/4 and her mothers is 12/5). A few people gave Anna-san presents, including, me who gave her two drawings I’d make of her, to which she said ‘Sugoi!!Sugoi!!’, and we all wished her happy birthday again. She thanked us profusely with a huge smile and said she was really happy. I managed to walk down the hall with her and wished her a happy birthday again, in English and she grinned happily at me and said ‘Arigatoou!!’. I was happy that she was so happy and it had made her happy, but I kind of wished she had at least said Thankyou in English. LOL
Anyway, it was a good lesson. I only have 2 more, and then the Party though, which is sad. But tomorrow I am going to Disneyland with some people from Hyper, which should be fun, even though it’s not Anna-san.

 
I saw all the ginko leaves covering the sidewalk, hundreds of them, yellow and fallen from the trees, and I felt that something had ended. That something was a ending. I?fve always liked the sight of a few ginko leaves on the ground, it?fs always seemed so intrinsically Japanese to me. But to see them piled in banks that I could kick through with my feet, just like maple leaves or oak leaves or any other leaves in autumn, was almost chilling in a way. I guess it brought home the fact that it really is fall, almost winter, and that this year is almost over.
I only have three more weeks. I plotted it all out on my calendar yesterday, and for a moment I was so overwhelmed by everything I have to do, and all the things I won?ft get to do. I?fm not trying to live these last weeks of the year so that I don?ft have any regrets. I don?ft think that?fs possible. No matter what I do, I will regret things, there will be some things I don?ft get to do.
That said, I?fve really been running away for a long time now. Maybe even since I got back from the US in September. When things get too overwhelming, it?fs always my first instinct to run. If I have too much I have to do, or there are too many things to choose from, I just shut down, and I won?ft do any of them. I ignore them all. But that doesn?ft make any of it go away. It really doesn?ft help. And it gets to the point, like it did last night, where I can?ft even do any of the things I usually do to avoid my obligations, because I can feel them pressing on me, I know I need to do them but I won?ft. I can?ft do anything to avoid them anymore, but I still won?ft do them. So I do nothing. I sit there, unable to do anything.
Today I slept through my first class. I?fve been skipping classes so much this semester. A lot of the time it?fs just because I?fm tired, and I have a habit of putting sleep before classes. But it?fs darker than that, really. I?fve been sleeping because I just don?ft care. I don?ft care, and I don?ft try to care because the problem is I got all A?fs last semester for barely any work, and it?fs made me think I can cheat the system. That because I?fm a ryugakusei, I can just go to class when I feel like it. Because the problem is, it worked last semester. But this semester?c.if I don?ft get credit for some of my courses, I won?ft be surprised. I?fll be in big trouble of course, especially credit-wise for school, but I won?ft be surprised. It?fs what I?fve earned, really. I hope it doesn?ft come to that though.
I?fve been running because I don?ft want this year to end, I can?ft bear to think of leaving, and now, of everything I have to do before I leave, so I don?ft do anything. But I?fm really just wasting my time, fucking myself over.
There was a line from a song in the Takarazuka musical we saw yesterday that really struck me, and I?fve been thinking about it today, so I?fm going to put it here, at the end.
“¦‚°‚Ä‚È‚¢‚ÆŒ¾‚¦‚ΉR‚É‚È‚é?@‚»‚ꂶ‚á‚¢‚Â‚Ü‚Å‚àŽ©—R‚É‚È‚ê‚È‚¢‚Ì‚É
?gI?fd be lying if I said I haven?ft been running away. Even though if you live like that, you will never be free.?h