It's been a day since I wrote that, 2 days since the concert, and I think I may finally be able to do. To just let it all go, all the past, and to accept the future. Because, while they do have a cult-like aspect to them now, B.B, I mean, the DREAM PLANETS are all doing fine. They're working hard at something they believe in, and they're happy. Anna-san is doing fine. She's working hard at something she believes in, and she's happy. The same goes for Maiko-san. Everyone's has moved on. So i guess it's time for me to move on as well. Actor's and B.B will never be the same again, never be what I saw again. But it's not gone. Just changed a little. But as long as there are other branches of Actor's, Osaka and Yokohama, as long as Anna-san is still teaching dance (and with her that word encompasses so much more), the things that I loved about Actor's still exist.
No matter what's changed, Anna-san is still Anna-san. Maiko-san is still Maiko-san. Whether at Actor's or not, they themselves are 'actor's'. It's in their souls, in their hearts.
And Takeshi, Neychin, Kiyoka, all of them are still themselves. And I think I've finally realized that I can still support them, I can still like them. And I can do it from a step back. they've got their doctrine now, and so in a way< they are apart from their audiance now. But let them have that, as long as they're happy, and not hurting people because of it anymore. I think I've finally been able to draw the line.
We'll see though.

 

When I handed over my ticket, it happened to be one of the girls from the day before. She smiled at me, saying 'You"re the one that bought the ticket yesterday, right?' I nodded, smiling back. Then I walked up the stairs to the room, and found a seat about 5 rows away from the stage. As I moved to sit down, I caught sight of *him* sitting in a row of seats with other older men whom I can only guess are other company presidents and what not. Makino-sensei. The man who I prayed not to run into yesterday. Just as I saw him, he looked over at me, and acknowledged me with a little nod, and a little smile. All I could do was return the gesture with a little nod of my head, and a bow. It suprised me to realize that after everything that has happened, everything that I know about him now, he still made me catch my breath, made me feel awed, almost cowed. And I think on some level, I finally understood it, really. How one would say anything to keep him from abandoning one, from walking out. But I didn't think that deeply. All I was thinking as I sat down, unable to do anything but stare straight ahead, sitting stiffly in my chair, was, over and over 'Holy shit. He's here. Makino's here.'
Before I had actually known he was here when I waited for the doors to open, I had played out a little scenerio in my head, imagining, what if he came, what if he asked me what I was doing, and I told him I was in Anna-san's school, that I had chosen her. And what I would say if he asked why. 'Because I'm in love with your daughter, and plus I think you're running a cult.' At the time I had laughed to myself.
But now I just sat in my chair, wondering what he thought of me, where I stood with him. After a while, I opened the pamphlet I had bought. It was the same one that Hakase-san told me about in August, I could tell it was old because the name on the front and inside said 'B.B Planets'. (On the covers it had been crossed out, and 'Dream Planets' written above it, in white marker, by the members themselves. The staff member at the goods table had impressed upon me that 'The members signed it with all their hearts!' (isshoukenmei sign shimashita no de....) I wondered if this was just a fancy cover up to excuse not making new pamphlets. Also, on the Dance Team page, Atsushi-kun and Yuta-kun were there with big photos. The first member page was a huge spread of Takeshi kun, under his stage name 'Makino Takeshi'. It made me mad, and I muttered darkly about Makino-sensei needing Takeshi to be his adopted son now, since he practically disowned his daughter.
After a while, that lights when out, and a voice announced that the A' LIVE would start soon. This caused me the first flash of pain, as I thought, 'This should be Anna-san...' The MC girl came out, and explained to everyone that first we would see a performance by the 'taiken kengaku' students (students who went to trial lessons for a week). She said that this event was about giving all your energy to the audience, and showing them your emotions and your love of singing and dancing. The taiken kengaku students came out, and I felt a flood of recognition. Because the taiken students were doing BEAT. To 'Ritmo La Noche' which is a song that we often do BEAT or BATTLE to in Hyper Class.
Then the real Yokohama students performed nine songs. I had a great time watching them. They made me really happy. Because they had it. The energy, the joy, the freedom of expression. The 'it' that made students from Actors....students from Actors. A couple times I would meet the eyes of one student or two, and feel that connection, that I had felt with B.B. It was still there. The last song they performed was 'Power to the People'. The classic B.B theme, just as it always has been, lyrics by Anna-san. I mouth along, and one of the girls saw me and nodded vigorous, a huge smile spreading on her way. We were connected.
And then the stage went dark. I saw the silohuettes of B.B...I mean the Dream Planets. And I screamed in my soul....Not yet! I'm not ready! I'm not ready for this! If it had been at all possible, I would have run out of the room. I wanted to.
But I couldn't, and so I stayed. The lights came on. They were almost all there. All of my old B.B members, who I had come to love so much. Takeshi, grown much broader in the chest and arms, with chin legnth hair, Neychin, never again the Wakane of 'Wakane and Maiko', but just as cheerful and gentle looking as ever under her indimidatng B-girl-ness, and her powerful strong voice. Kiyoka, and Saki, who always looks so pretty and normal to me, belying their amazing voices, both of them their long ponytails cut into bobs. Yuki, the beauty of B.B, still with her long ponytail. Nami, who had become Wakane-san's new partner, and Nana, her hair also short now, but still blond as ever, who I had never cared about too much, but had now become the girl who told Anna-san that she had hated every day of her six years at Actor's because her, and told her, 'If you don't quit, I will.' And yet they were all themselves. But different, still. And they sang 'Ain't no Mountain high enough', the song that I had heard them sing on Kou's MD player, back in December. They are amazing. If anything, they've just gotten more amazing. They are so perfect, that for a moment I had to remind myself that they were real, that they were actually singing. They're perfect, and they've got emotion. They are kind of like Stepford B.B. Because they've got all the emotion, all the energy, but skill-wise, they are absolutely mind-blowing. I got to hear Wakane and Nami's 'Hey Baby' (yes the No Doubt song). Before I had thought that it wasn't a very good song to do, not very challenging vocally. But they made it challenging. It was very very good. At the end, as it drifted off in 'Hey Baby's, and wordless rifts, it was sex. It was sex sung. Vocal sex. It was amazing.
The next song was Kiyoka's 'The World's Greatest', the song she wrote the lyrics for, and got Yuki-san to translate, the song which hurt me when I read it in the Fan Club pamphlet, because it seemed so much like propaganda. Well, it is a beautiful song. I was really really moved by it. And if I could sit there and be moved, without thinking anything bitter about it, that says a lot, I think.
The next song was Takeshi's dance, 'Avalon'. Avalon, as I found out, is a Frank Sinatra song. Now, Frank Sinatra definately has a character and a personality of his own. He definately has a flavour, and it's undeniably a period flavor. But Takeshi, dancing, and lip-synching along with ole Blue eyes, and dancing up a storm, was perfect. He completely made the song his own. He got it all down. His expressions, and his dancing fit the song perfectly. It was an absolute treat to watch. At some point I realize my face had broken into a big smile, and it stayed that way the whole time. I think he noticed.
Next was 'Heat Wave', and old 50's or 60's song, which Wakane and Nami did really well, with the other girls doing back up harmonizing. During the song Wakane looked at me, and smiled.
The next song though, was pretty much my undoing. The title on the program said 'A soul to cry', but I knew at the first note what it really was. It was my 'Song for You', the duet that Wakane and Maiko released back in 1998, lyrics by Anna-san, which I have loved ever since I heard them perform in live on an old radio broadcast. The song that cinced B.B for me, and made me fall in love with WakaMai. The song that moved me more than any song ever had, that comforted me so many times since then. The song that was almost to special to me to listen to regularly. It was my 'Song for You', but it wasn't. It wasn't Maiko up there with Neychin, it was Nami, and Kiyoka, and the lyrics weren't Anna-san's, the lyrics that had cheered me up so much, that I had related to so much, they were completely different,and all in English, most likely by Yuki-san. The riffs and whatnot were the same, but mostly not sung by Wakane even, but by Kiyoka and Nami. I just said there and I wished that I could cover my ears, and not listen. Because all of me screamed 'This isn't it! This isn't what it's supposed to be like!' (Konna no chigau! Konna hazu ja nai!). Because not only is 'Song for you' a really special song for me, but I had always hoped that someday, I would get to see it performed live. And I was, and yet....it wasn't right. It wasn't my song. It just seemed to really bring it all home for me. Maiko-san's gone. Anna-san's gone. And they feel they have the right to take this song and remake it. And they don't care. It doesn't hurt them. I almost cried. Wakane noticed me I think, and smiled, most likely thinking I was moved by it.
The next song, Instant Replay wasn't memorable. Or maybe I was too numb to take it in.
The last was 'Seasons of Love' from RENT, which I've heard B.B perform on the radio, from 1998. Wakane sung almost every solo. But she was fabulous. And she hit those notes, her amazing 5 octave range notes. And I realized again how much power music has. How absolutely breath-taking it is. And how scary it can be, if the music is used for raising emotions, for joining people together for a common goal.
Then all the students came out, and sand UNITED, another classic B.B original, which is on my B.B Live video. They came out into the audiance, as they had in their opening. Takeshi and Kiyoka danced past me, and then I looked over and saw Nana, dancing next to my row. We locked eyes and she smiled into mine, dancing for me. And in that moment I forgave her. Just for that moment.
Then everyone went back on stage, and Takeshi began to talk. He explained that D.P had only gotten to Yokohama the day before, and they had gone to the Yokohama Actor's and had the students there show them their song and dance. And they had been amazed. That Yokohama was so much smaller than Osaka or Okinawa, but that because of it, they could have even stronger bonds, and do things that the bigger schools couldn't. That the D.P members had been moved, shocked into having to work even harder, to give it everything they had, because the Yokohama students, their 'nakama' (companions) were trying so hard in their small school in Yokohama, feeling the same as them. So, Takeshi finished, give a round of applause, not for us, but for them, the students from Yokohama.

What was different now? What was the same? It's hard to say, things were mixed. On one hand, I felt their energy, their desire to communicate, but on the other hand, I had a feeling that they were so wrapped up in getting their message across, in expressing themselves that it didn't matter anymore if there was an audiance there or not. That they would have been the same, had the same reactions if there had been no one, or if there had only been other members. Wakane-san definately sings more now, although I don't think this is a direct result of no Anna-san, because Wakane-san used to sing a lot back in 1998, etc, until she decided to focus on song-writing, etc. I hate Nami, fiercely, although I have no real reason to, just because she seems to have taken Maiko-san's place as 2nd leader, and so everything about her is hateful to me, her voice (altho she is pretty good), her expressions, everything. I feel bad about this, because I don't think she's done anything wrong, but I can't help it.

I stood in the hallway, watching the members go down the stairs. Kiyoka waved at me a little. When I went down to leave, they were all standing in lines on both sides, saying thank you. Kiyoka bowed alittle and said thank you, and I returned the gesture. On the other side stood Takeshi, who smiled at me as if he remembered me. I couldn't find Wakane. When I got the end though, two girls, apparently from the Yokohama school od the day before, smiled brightly at me and waved frantically, causing the man from Hyper Class who I ran into outside to ask me, 'Are you a friend of Mariko's?' In keeping with this, the Yokohama school is still just the way it always has been, just the way Actor's always has been, with all of their geniune thankfulness and love and enthusiasm. D.P still has it too, but it's been changed in some undefinable way, transmuted somehow. Maybe that's the difference between the kids at Okinawa and the kids at Yokohama. The kids at Yokohama are still Actor's in it's pure, undiluted form, singing and dancing to express themselves, to make people happy, to give them joy. And the kids at Okinawa have an added component now, they are singing and dancing to get Makino's idealogy across.



I should have guessed how it would all end; once I got back to my dorm room, that I'd end up sobbing, breaking into little fragments, that sorrow, the pain that I couldn't even give the reason for welling up and pouring out of me, emotional pain given physical release. I should have known. Because that's how it's always ended when something new happened on the Actor's front, from the very beginning, the day that I found out that Maiko-san had quit Actor's, up until now. I cried, and cried and cried and then I pulled the covers over myself and slept.
Later on, I got up and ran into Kinoko-chan. We went to her room, because I'd left some papers there when we were studying the other day, and we ended up talking for a long time. For the most part, I was able to hide how I'd been feeling, just saying I was tired, and we had a very good conversation, about how it's still very hard for her to be in Japan, since she's only been here for almost a month, and how the culture is completely different from Korea, and how sometimes people think she's Japanese, and wonder why she doens't know the customs. It was so sad to hear her say, in a small voice, 'I want a host family too...'. She looked about to cry, and I just wanted to give her a big hug, and protect her. I also told her about Actor's. Finally it was almost 1, so I left and went back to my room to sleep. It was a really nice talk, and I really like her a lot. I think we get a long really well.


Anway, things continued pretty much the same way the next morning, as I walked to class, drained and empty, with that painful aftertaste from when you've been crying earlier that day, or the night before. And I made my way to the Ryugakuseika (Exchange Student Department), where I said down on the chair. Nakagawa, and Okumura and Moroi sensei greeted me, asking how I was. I couldn't answer. 'Are you alright?' Okumura-sensei asked, kindly. It was one of those times when you're supposed to lie, and say 'hai, daijoubu.' even though really, you are anything but fine. But I couldn't do it. All I could do was shake my head, as I began to cry. The three rushed to my side, and Okumura-san ushered me into the smaller private room, telling me that I could talk about anything, and that they wanted to help me. I sat down. She asked what was wrong, but I couldn't answer. I didn't even know myself, so how could I begin? She asked if it was about school, or the dorms? I said no, school life was fine, it was great. Nakagawa asked if it was about dance lessons. I said yes. Okumura surrendered me to NAkagawa's care, because she knew the background of what I was talking about. After a while Okumura brought us tea and a cookie, saying she wanted me to be warm. And so I cried, and pored it all out to Nakagawa, slow and stilted at first, as I tried to figure out my feelings for myself. She listened patiently, putting her hand on mine. She said that she was very proud of me, that I had gone, even though I had known that it might end like this, with my crying the way I was. She said that it was the first step.She said that she was the same as Anna-san, and everyone, doing what she loved, and trying to help people, trying to give back all the kindness that she had recieved abroad. She said that I could find how to express myself though dancing, that I was already feeling and seeing so many different things, for example, being able to dance in front of people now, and that I knew Japanese so well, that there were so many different ways I could give myself to people, for example, translating things from English to Japanese (and vis versa) and giving these things to the other cultures, so many different ways that I could find my own way to do that. She said that right now, what I could do, was just be with Anna-san, and learn from her, and find my own way to do things.
I'm so glad that she was there, and talked to me. I don't know what I would have done otherwise. After we finished talking, and I was going to leave, she gave me a big hug. I was so glad. I really can't say how thankful I am to her, or just how much she helped me.