Today was day one of my trials. The day I went to the Yokohama Branch of Actor�fs to get my ticket. It was an absolutely gorgeous day, possibly 80 degrees, which put me in a good mood. I was quite excited as I entered Yamashita Park and saw THE boat, Hikawa-maru. (Let us pause to laugh about this again. The Yokohama OAS is on a boat!) As I neared the boat, I saw a banner ouside it , saying �eOkinawa Actor�fs School�f. I stared at it for a long time, trying to collect my thoughts, as I was about to enter Actor�fs for the first time in over a year. After everything that had happened. I marveled at the fact that after everything, just the sight of it written there was so magical to me. As I walked up the gang-plank, a flood of Actor�fs kids came out of the boat, all in wind breaker pants and B.B Waves T-shirts. Then came some older people, and prayed quickly that I wouldn�ft meet Yuki or Makino-sensei. Then I came to a little door in the boat with a sign saying Okinawa Actors School. It was a very little door, so I wondered if it was the door I was supposed to use. Just then a girl in a green t-shirt came out. I asked her if it was the door to get into Actor�fs. She asked if I was her for kengaku (to sit in on a class), I told her that I was her to pick up a ticket for the A�f LIVE. A big smile broke out on her face, and she gave me a huge hug (I would almost call it a glomp), with a huge ARIGATOU!!!! I was quick surprised, to say the least. She led me into the boat, in a big room with a front desk, and a big paper on the wall, listing the song list for the A-LIVE. She explained that I was here to buy a ticket. Everyone ran over, and exclaimed. OOOH!!!! And thanked me profusely, with huge smiles. The girl at the desk, who looked about my age, got my ticket, crowing �eAdrienne-san?�f �eHai�f �eAdrienne-san!!�f She aske dhow I knew about it, and I said from a friend, but I had also gone to B.B�fs live last Jan. She said that they were called Dream Planets now, but they would be at the Live tomorrow. She asked me to look forward to it, Enjoy myself, and said they would do their best. I said I was looking forward to it. They all OOH�fed again. Then they followed me blithely to the door, waving and saying �eAshita!�f (See you tomorrow!) Then they yelled �eSee you!�f in English. They were all so enthusiastic and thankful. Just being in there made me smile. As I left I thought, �eActor�fs is the same. Even without Anna-san.�f But I also, from what I�fve heard, Yokohama and Osaka haven�ft really changed since everything. I think this is because they are both separated from Okinawa, and Dream Planet. And for example, until she was demoted there, Anna-san didn�ft come to teach there very often, I think only before concerts and stuff. So it makes sense that the things happening in Okinawa wouldn�ft really effect them, because I really think now that Makino and Dream Planet changed Actor�fs. But at anyrate, it was quite an experience. I�fm wondering if maybe the thing that I�fll learn from this is, �eIt�fs ok to still like Actor�fs.�f I really wanted the kids at Yokohama to go their best, and thought that they seem to be ok like this.
Their question about kengaku made me a bit sad, and �ewhat if�fy, but after all, I chose Anna-san, and I�fm happy with that.

Speaking of which, today I was a bit late getting to class. I arrived at the same time as Marilyn, to find that we had missed exercises. Maiko-san was there today, wearing khaki wind-pants and an olive green t-shirt. Her hair was down. She looked very cute and army-like, almost tom-boyish. Later, she pulled her hair back in the trade-mark Maiko-san style, pulled back with her bangs brushed to the side, over her forehead, like in the concert videio I have. Anna-san announced that in order to get hyper (tension wo ageru tame ni) we would play Beat Onigokko. She cautioned that even though you�fre supposed to dance, a lot of people just give it up and dash as fast as they can (kousoku dash), so we should remember to always be dancing. The it would be�c. �eMe, right?�f (Ore darou) Said Yuta, apparently noticing her looking at him. She nodded cheerfully. �eYuuta-kun!!�f So we played Beat onigokko. Yuta and Atsushi were amazing, spinning and flipping. I�fve also noticed that they are just dancing all the time, even when there is no music, a lot of the tme they are practicing random moves.
Anna-san announced that in order to learn how to make the Run DMC dance look cooler, we would watch Yuta and Atsushi dance it, and then they would teach us. It was amazing. Even though it was the same dance, with their skill and all their flourishes, it looked so different! It also looked very difficult. And apparently it was, because Anna-san tried to do the revised beginning part after them and she couldn�ft do it right. She laughed, and said. �eThis is hard! When I do one part, the other part disappears.�f (dore wo yaru to dore ga kieru). She had them show us again, more slowly. It looked very hard. I must have had a �ehow the hell do we do that?�f look on my face, because Anna-san saw me and laughed. She had them teach us it piece by piece, with explanations. They explained that the put in the jump in the beginning to give it more action. Then we moved on the the upper cut. Atsushi explained that you really had to follow through with it. He was a very good instructor, gentle-voiced and calm. Yuta explained that the upper cut was originally used by gangs when they were fighting, which made it, as Anna-san enjoined, �eKenka odori�f (fighting dance). Yuuta instructed us that you had to really go for it to make it work well, really thow a punch towards the audience. We practiced the revised Run DMC dance for awhile. Then we had a break. I went out to drink my water, and Maiko-san was there. She said �eGood morning! How are you today?�f In English, and we hugged. I said I was good and asked how she was. She said she was good, but pointed to her shoulder and said it hurt, and aske dhow to say that in Japanese. �eMy shoulder hurts�f. I asked her what she did do it (Doshita no?) �eDancing�f she replied, and then asked me how to say �eI hurt my shoulder dancing.�f She said she hurt it at lessons.
Then we went back in. Anna-san announced that she would explain the order of the live. We all sat on the floor. First comes the opening, to �eMickey�f (here she sang �eOh, Mickey you�fre so fine�c.�f) (Anna-san�fs perfect English. (rapturous sigh, melt). ) Then we go into Run DMC. Then a bunch of the group dances go. Then we do House of Love. Then more groups, and then Pop Class, and then Seigi no Mikata and then the Ending. I think. Oh, Maiko-san, Yuuta and Atsushi�fs group (I hope Maiko-san sings!!!!!) comes somewhere in there too. They are called Jyn-Nye or something. During her explanations, someones cell phone rang. We all tried to ignore the little background music, but eventually Anna-san started bopping to it, and Maiko-san started singing the song. Then it ended. LOL
We practiced the Opening. Anna-san did the introductions for all the groups, and had the members go across the floor. She explained to the little kids group, who goes first that they would have to change really quickly, pretending to cover herself and saying in a high little kid voice �eIya, minaide!�f (no, don�ft look!) LOL
Then we practiced House of Love, during which I realized that I still haven�ft learned half of it. Oh dear. Then we did Run DMC a couple times, with everyone watching.
Then we had a meeting about the costumes for House of Love. Anna-san said that so far two suggestions of Aloha or Sailor had come up. We voted. Everyone except me voted for Aloha (which I assume means like Hawaiian shirts? I have to find this out). So we are wearing jeans and aloha shirts.
Then it was time to go, so we did stretches and class was over.
During class today it all really hit me. It was one of those times that when all of sudden it hits me that I�fm living my dream of so long. That I was sitting there looking at Anna-san sitting in front of us, explaining the order of our concert. That I was standing in the starting postion for Run DMC with Anna-san doing the MC, announcing our song, that exact same voice I had listened to and yelled �eAnna-san you�fre so cool!!�f over on my BB concert video so many times. That it was our concert she was announcing. I had a sweeping feeling of being part of something. And I didn�ft care about Actor�fs anymore, or rather I felt that with Hyper I would participate and with Actor�fs I could watch. But also I wasn�ft sad about Actor�fs, or having it be different, or anything. Or even about that fact that Actor�fs classes may be a little different, and have a real classroom and singing. Because I have Anna-san. Or should I say, because I�fm with Anna-san now. And that�fs really what I care about. It makes up for the lack of singing, or anything else. I�fve decided now just to enjoy being with Anna-san, everything about her, and not want anything more, and just to be myself. Just to treasure being able to be in the same room with her, learning from her, watching her dance.

 
Now I will treat you all the little Anna-san song I just made up in my head: Anna-san, Anna-san you are my dreams, Anna-san Anna-san you kick f--king ass, Anna-san Anna-san... Er, that's it. Not very poetic I suppose. It was a product of my subconcious.�@LOL everyone just ignore it.
On to today's lesson. First, the Anna-san fashion check. Today Anna-san was wearing a fitted blue t-shirt and navy clam-digger legnth wind pants with blue stripe down the side. Both items I had not seen before. Anna-san looked very cool, and during beat,she almost looked masculine, in a cool tomo-boyish way. Today Namio-kun, Atsushi-kun and Yuuta-kun were there, but Maiko-san was not. Anna-san announced that after we did Beat, we would do Battle with the three 'otokomae' (handsome men). LOL Namio thanked her. First we did Beat twice. I had a plan to watch Atsushi and Yuuta do beat, but once we started it turned out that I liked watching Anna-san better. So I watched Anna-san for a bit, but mostly just got into the Beat myself. Then we played Beat Onigokko. When one of the obasan's was it she tried to catch me. Anna-san watched and laughed and said 'A-chan, odotte! (Dance, A-chan!) as I ran away, and doged and attempted to dance while doing it. At one point Namio was it, and he tried to catch Anna-san. Anna-san laughed and dodged him, and pointed her finger at him. Then she held a fist up threateningly, with a pseudo-smug smile on her face. Namio bowed an apology, and when after some one else. It was very cute. Then we did Battle against the three handsome men. We all got in a line (the order chosen by Anna-san asking who wanted to go next, and then randomly picking people when nobody volunteered. LOL) and each faced of either Namio, Yuuta or Atsushi, who were going in rotation. i got to Beat with Yuuta. I was glad, because Yuuta had such a great smile on his face while he was battling, and seemed to be have so much fun. Atsushi was also having fun, but he is much more sawayaka (cool and calm) than Yuuta, and doesn't show his emotions so much. (I guess there' s people like that even from Actors LOL) And Namio just did weird things like make Quasimoto like faces and flip on his head and whatnot. LOL At one point Yuuta-kun pulled out a trampoline, and jumped form it, flipping over in the air. It was very cool. I wanted to see Anna-san battle too, but she never does. After we finished Battling, we had a little break, and then practiced for the concert (Run DMC to be specific) for the rest of the time (we went thru it three or four times). Anna-san asked Yuuta to turn on the music sayind, 'Ongaku tsukete hoshii na' (I'd like you to turn on the music.') It was just interesting, because you can really tell how long they've all known eachother. During one of the breaks, Yuuta had his shirt of. He is very white and slender, altho with some muscle form his dancing. He had a tattoo if his name (YUUTA) in gothic font on his chest. I wonder if it is real. This is the part where my too much Yaoi addiction comes into play, because my first thought was 'Wow Yuuta-kun is so pretty and graceful, and feminine, he:d be such a good uke.' And this lead to my subsequent decision that Yuuta and Atsushi should be a couple. they would be a really hot couple. LOL Anyway, I was pretty happy with how I danced today, I didn't mess up really. I was just a little off timing sometimes. But it made me feel optimistic. Apparently all the people in Tomoko-san's group were absent, and she asked Anna-san what she should do. Anna-san replied, 'Ja, kyou ha sensei hitori de' (Ok, today you'll do it on your own, sensei) (they call Tomoko sensei cuz she's a teacher LOL) Tomoko-san (I think) said tats he was kibishii. Anna-san replied 'Toki ni ha kibishiku' (Sometimes I have to be strict). Tomoko laughed and said 'Itsumo kibishii!' (You're always strict) Anna-san laughed as well and said 'Itsumo yasashii jan!' (I'm always nice!) She also had Namio-kun watch the 3rd groups dance and help them out with it. Namio-kun deiced that they didn't have enough rhythme, and looked like they were just walking, so he told them to bounce to the rhythme, Anna-san agreed. I think that was about it this lesson. We cooled now, and I went over to ask Anna-san about my Run DMC tape. I stood there for awhile, until Yuuta-kun said 'Anna-san...', and she turned around. I asked her about the tape, and she put her hands to her head. First she apologized, but then she quickly said, 'Ima utsusou.' (I'll copy it for you now.) She ran to her bag and took out my tape and copied it for me. Momo-chan came and talked to us about her bike helmet, and Anna-san answered her rather absent-mindedly. I wished that she would chat with me while she was copying the tape for me, but she seemed rather absorbed in preparing to pack up the CD player. The tape finished, and she gave it to me. I thanked her, and said Otsukare to everyone, and left. I was about to walk home when I ran into one of the obasans. she asked me how I went home. I explained that I walked to the station. She said that that was dangerous, so I ended up going to the station on the bus with everyone. I asked her how Anna-san and the others went home, and she said that she wasn't sure. Sometimes someone came to pick them up, it seemed. She said that Anna-san lives in tokyo, so it is far away. I actually found out that at least sometime, Anna-san takes the bus to the station, because Anna-san, Atushi, Yuuta and Namio all got on the bus. Anna-san was wearing a white tank top and jeans. Atsushi had a black casket cap on. On the bus I sat next to the obasan. Anna-san sat next to the older woman who I think it the president or whatever of Love Junx. the woman who takes everyone's cards at the beginning of class. Yuuta and Atushi sat together. (hee hee hee). I talked to the obasan about my family and having come to Japan before, and how my parents had come with me the last time, and then ti was so weird, because I realized that the last time I had come I had seen Anna-san who was on the bus, and knew all about my coming last time. I almost said that I went to Okinawa, 'nee, Anna-san.' but I didnt. LOL At one point the president lady asked me where I lived, I told her in CT, and talked about how it was near NY although in the booneys with only trees. Anna-san listened too, and nodded. I wanted Anna-san to ask me questions, but she didn't. But she listened, which made me happy. then she got into a conversation with the obasan about how the obasan still has her heater on, 'even in this heat?' asked Anna-san. The Obasna also explained to them that I usually walked, and she had made me take the bus. Then the obasan showed me where the subway eki was. After I got off the bus, I had to wait thru Anna-san and the ex-BB boys, for her, and it was such a weird feeling beng somewhere normal (aka the station) with them (or rather at the same time as them). We found it quickly and I waved. the obasan's waved back. I wanted Anna-san to wave, but she hadn't been the one to get me onto the subway station, so she was just walking and talking to the others.
The majority of the end of my day was spent wanting attention from/ a connection with Anna-san. And here is what I decided today. I don't want her to love me - nothing so extravegant as that - but I want her to like me especially.
And these are my extravegent dreams. I want to get her to know me better. And I want to know her better. I want to go places with her apart from classes. I want her to speak English. I want to Battle with her.
But if I can't have all of that, I guess I'm just content to be near her, to be able to see her smile, and her dancing.

 
As I was searching for the address for the Yokohama Actors, where I have to go to pick up the tickets on Sat., I came across an event report of the Publishing event/live for Yuki-san's book that was held in Jan, the one that I was to afraid and in too much pain to go to. The person who wrote the report mentioned a bit of what Makino-sensei talked about, besides education, and Dream Planet. Here are two points that make me grow cold for a moment.
About B.B (er, I mean the Dream Planets)
��”Þ‚ç‚Í–l‚Æ�l�¶‚ð‘S•”‚ðŒ_–ñ‚µ‚½�B�‘—Þ�ì‚Á‚½�B”Y‚ñ‚¾�e‚Í‚Ý‚ñ‚ÈŽÌ‚Ä‚½�BŽq‚Ç‚à‚àŽ«‚ß‚Ä‚à‚ç‚Á‚½�B
' They have signed over their lives, everything to me. We made a contract. They left any worrying parents. And I had the children quit.'
(About Anna-san, and Maiko-san, and someone I can't identify, altho names are not mentioned)
��‚R�l‹]�µŽÒ‚ª�o‚½�B‚Å‚à‹]�µŽÒ‚¶‚á‚È‚¢�B”Þ‚ç‚͔ނç‚Ì�l�¶‚¾‚©‚ç�B
' There were three casualites that arose. But they were not casualties. Because they all have their own lives.'
I really have nothing to say. But it gives me the shivers.

 
As I was searching for the address for the Yokohama Actors, where I have to go to pick up the tickets on Sat., I came across an event report of the Publishing event/live for Yuki-san's book that was held in Jan, the one that I was to afraid and in too much pain to go to. The person who wrote the report mentioned a bit of what Makino-sensei talked about, besides education, and Dream Planet. Here are two points that make me grow cold for a moment.
About B.B (er, I mean the Dream Planets)
��”Þ‚ç‚Í–l‚Æ�l�¶‚ð‘S•”‚ðŒ_–ñ‚µ‚½�B�‘—Þ�ì‚Á‚½�B”Y‚ñ‚¾�e‚Í‚Ý‚ñ‚ÈŽÌ‚Ä‚½�BŽq‚Ç‚à‚àŽ«‚ß‚Ä‚à‚ç‚Á‚½�B
' They have signed over their lives, everything to me. We made a contract. They left any worrying parents. And I had the children quit.'
(About Anna-san, and Maiko-san, and someone I can't identify, altho names are not mentioned)
��‚R�l‹]�µŽÒ‚ª�o‚½�B‚Å‚à‹]�µŽÒ‚¶‚á‚È‚¢�B”Þ‚ç‚͔ނç‚Ì�l�¶‚¾‚©‚ç�B
' There were three casualites that arose. But they were not casualties. Because they all have their own lives.'
I really have nothing to say. But it gives me the shivers.

 
Well, I have made a decision that may make things much harder. It may also make them much better though. After a lot of thought, I've decided to go to the Actor's Live this Sunday. Because number one, I want to see for myself how much B.B/Actor's has changed, and also, no matter what has happened, I still do like all the members, like Wakane and Takeshi, and it's not like they've suddenly become horrible people or anything. Hopefully this will help be come to some closure about Actors, whether it gives me the push I need to stop worrying about them at all, or at least make me feel better about them. I just hope I don't see Makino-sensei or Yuki, because that would be a bit awkward, to say the least. It may be a little hard at times, even if they themselves seem the same, because I know that for example, if this was the past, Anna-san would be doing the MCs, etc. I think that kind of thing will be hard to watch. But Anna-san is happy now, and she has her own school, and her own concert to do MCs for soon. I just have to remember that.
I called the Yokohama Okinawa Actors school today to ask about tickets. A girl about my age or maybe a little older answered. She was very helpful, cheerful and nice, talking to me very politely, but also with concern and an effort to help me, like a friend or something. She was just so...normal, and old-Actor's-ly that I was really taken aback. It was a big surpise to me, for some reason. And I thought, 'Maybe Actor's is ok the way it is now.' Maybe the important thing isn't what's changed from before, but what's stayed the same. Because maybe if there are enough of the important things that have stayed the same, it will be okay now. As long as people are happy there, and it's not hurting people, like it did BB and Anna-san, maybe it's ok, and I don't have to worry about it. I can just let it go. I hope thats what I find out. But on the other hand, even if I regret going, and it's all just changed too much, and it's too painful, at least I'll have seen it with my own eyes, and I guess I'll be ok anyway. Because after all, I have Anna-san now.

 

Pink:
You see the world in bright pink. The world is a
happy, happy place! You love all people and
things!! Life is great! You're just like a
happy child. Spread the cheer.

*this quiz was made by href="http://www.uinmind.com/sara">Sara


What color do you see the world in?
brought to you by Quizilla

 
Satursay was my first time to go to Free Time. During Free Time, everyone practices what they think they need to work on, without the instructors. Anna-san and Maiko-san were there though, as were Atsushi and Yuta. Atsushi didn't have his bandana on today. I decided that he kind of looks like a Chibi, less muscular Namio-kun. LOL The one obasan with the curly bob was practicing her group dance with Atsushi and Yuta (who are helping in it) and Maiko-san. It's a very cool dance, kind of 40's like, with lots of individual parts going to the music. Yuta and Atsushi looked really cool doing it, and Maiko-san looked really sexy.
I stood at lose ends for a while, until Ai-chan came up and told me to ask Anna-san, who was wearing a white tank top and navy calf legnth windpants, what I should do, and that she would probably tell me. I went over to Anna-san, who was apparently taping the Kids Hyper-Beat Zippity Do Da onto an MD. I saw she had another MD labeled 'Beat 1' Hee hee. She said 'Chotto matte', and when the recording was done she turned to me. I asked her what I was supposed to do. She explained, with a bright smile, that Free Time was a time to practice what you thought you needed work on, without an intructor. So I returned to my corner of the room between the wall and Maiko-san, Atsushi, Yuta and the Obasan and practiced Run DMC, and House of Love by myself, with no music. I did this for the entire hour. At times I would stop and watch Maiko-san's group. A few times Maiko-san went over to Anna-san to go over moves with her, and they did them together. And at one point Anna-san joined their group and went through the dance with them. She was so cute, with the move where you have to shake your shoulders (and chest for the girls). (Afterwards she said laughing that the guys had it easy in regard to that move. ) I always love watching her dance. I thought that I wished I could just stand there and watch her forever.
At one point she watched the little kids do their dance, and then made them to it to the music one by one. After the little boy was done, she told him gently that he needed to practice more, because 'When you're on stage, you can't looking at the other members of your group, you know.' (Stage ni tatsu toki ha, hoka no minna wo michaikenai yo ne'). Yuta was watching the little kids dance, and copying their dance. I was amazed at how easily he was able to leanr what gthey were doing just watch watching, and copying. Of course, it is a really easy dance, since they're all about 7 years old, and he is an amazing dancer, but still.
I continued to practice. There was one part of the Run DMC dance whcih I completely forgot, so I decided to ask Anna-san about it. When I finally caught her when she was free, and not watching some group or soemthing, I went over and knelt down. 'Anna-san.' I said. 'Doshita no?' She asked. I tried to explain that there was part of the RUn DMC dance I didn't get. The only problem was, I can't say chorus and what not in Japanese. My musical/dance vocab is kind of limited. Plus I was tired of trying to think. So I asked if I could say it in English. She nodded. I explained that I didn't know the part of the dance for the second chorus, that came after the first chorus and the group dances. She turned the down the music halfway through, and listened intently, with a serious expression on her face, which I recognized as her listening to English expression, nodding. Then she said. 'Ok.' She stood up and did the part I was talking about, asking if that was it. I said it was. So she taught me the part, saying 1,2,3,4 in English. I copied her a couple times. After we went over if a few times, I nodded and said I got it. She asked 'Daijoubu?' And I said that I was daijoubu. Then I practiced that move for the rest of the class.
Today's class was the hardest yet I think, because all I could do was practice my limited parts of the two dances that I had memorized, over and over. I felt pretty self-concious, and like I sucked at dancing, and I got mad at myself a lot. I was very bitter, and a bit lonely, and felt a bit useless, since my repetoire to practice was so limited. It was very hard, and frusterating. It definately was a fight with myself. At one point I imagined Anna-san taking me over and asking why I had joined the class (implying that I was just pretending to like dance), and wondered what I would say to that. How could I answer her? Because at the moment I was feeling quite klutzy and uninspired and bitter, and like I wasn't sure if I like dancing, by myself, if I sucked so much. I imagined what if I said 'Because I'm in love with you.' I wondered what she would say to that. I didn't think it was a very good reason for joining her class. That it was missing the point of her classes, and it would be disrespectful to say that. But this was all my bitter daydreams. I really did push myself to keep practicing though, and it really was a fight against myself. But I did it, so I guess that's good. Although I also did feel like I had lost to myself a bit when I had to ask Anna-san my question in English. Like I was needing her to baby me like that, because I couldn't say it in Japanese. On the other hand, I was really greatful that she's bilingual and so I was able to do that. Also, it made me happy to hear count in English. I wish she would talk in English more. That was another one of my fleeting fantasies, asking her to talk to me in English. LOL
I noticed something as well, Anna-san helped out the little kids and went over and watched their practice and everything, but they the only group that actually went and actively dealt with today, other than Maiko-san group, when Maiko-san requested her help. And then of course she was very willing and happy to help me with the part of the dance I didn't know. I'm pretty sure she would have helped me for longer if I'd asked, or if I'd said I wasn't daijoubu. But other than that, she just sat back and watched everyone. It's all a very former chief instructor of Actor's way of teaching, to only help people when they come and ask for it, or if they need your guidance, like the little kids did. It's taking me a bit of getting used to, because at first I felt very left alone, and bitter that she wasn't coming over to help me at all, but then I realized it was the same for all the groups. During free time especially, she just lets everyone work things out on their own, and only offers her help if they ask for it. And I guess that makes sense. Because you can't get any better if you're always looking for the instructor to help you and tell you what to do. And I think she's got a very good sense of when to help people, and when to watch them, even though sometimes I wish she would help me more. On the other hand, I think maybe I need to work things out, and get to be able to do things on my own. It's like the thing she said in the news letter, and something I actually remember Makino talking about in his book, about waiting until people grew to want to do things of their own accord, until people did things of their own accord.
After class, the obasan said that I was erai for practicing all by myself. I didn't feel very erai. (*Erai is when you do something you were supposed to do, even though it might have been hard or unpleasant) Because for example, the girls in the other group were practicing in front of the mirror and seeing how they looked doing each move. That's erai.
We all stood outside in the hall for awhile after class. The older guy with longish hair had tickets to the Actor's A' LIVE. I went over and looked ta them, and he showed them to me. He said that I could probably get tickets if I wanted to go. (he got them from the other girl intructor, Emi or whatever her name is). He said that it would be the classes from the Yokohama Actors performing and them a special performance by Dream Planets (otherwise known as the former B.B WAVES) He asked if I'd seen them live. I said I'd seen B.B, and he said, 'Ah well it's the same thing.' I said that I was suprised Anna-san wasn't lonely, hearing about this. He said that she wasn't, and that Atsushi and Yuuta had said that they were going to watch it, and that Anna-san often talked to him about the B.B members. I asked if Yuta and Atsushi weren't going to be in it, but he told me that they'd quit Actor's, and were now in Love Junx. I was suprised. I'd never guessed they'd quit Actor's as well. I took at flyer for it because he gave me one.
Maiko-san changed into regular clothes again; today she had on a white sweatshirt and a jean blazer like jacket, and her hair was up. She looked very cool.
At one point Anna-san rushed down the stairs, but I'm not sure where she went.
Then I left. I was waiting out in the rain, feeling lonely again, and then Tomoko-san came along. Tomoko-san said that she (Tomoko) was going, not because she had a particular interest in the Dream Planets, but because she has a friend who's in Yokohama Actor's. Some people, though, were going because they liked the Dream Planets. I said that I was suprised that Anna-san wasn't lonely, because of the Actor's Live tickets and whatnot.
But Tomoko-san said that Anna-san had been thrown out by the Dream Planets (Dream Planets no hito ni oidasareta wake dakara). But now Anna-san has her own place, Love Junx, and she works really hard. For example, Tomoko-san said that today Anna-san had 3 Pop Classes before us, so she was teaching from 1 to 6 pm, and if she didn't love what she was doing, she couldn't keep such a hard schedule up for so long. I told her how I loved to watch Anna-san dance, because you could just see how much she loved dancing. Tomoko-san nodded, and said that if Anna-sna wanted to dance, Actor's wasn't the only place she could do it, and besides, if she had stayed, where there were people who didn't like her lessons, it would have just been painful for her. She said that Anna-san seems satisfied, and happy with the way things are now.
Then a whole bunch of the other women from class came, so we talked about other things. It turns out Tomoko-san, who teaches English at a middle school, lived in NY for four years with her father when she was in grade school. I asked her if she had come to Love Junx from the original Hyper class at Actors, and she said basically yes. She had joined last June, and in Nov. or Dec, had been told that it was going to become Love Junx. I asked if there had ever been singing, and she said that originally Anna-san had wanted to have another class that was just for singing, and that they had had one class of it, in which they learned how to put your emotions into songs. However, it had proved to be too difficult, especially choosing the songs, because it was hard to find songs that every person there knew, etc. We talked about singign and dacing, and I told her about my complexes, and she said that Hyper was the best place to get rid of them, since while there was choreographed dancing, there was also Beat type free dancing as well.
Now that I'm feeling better about everything, and not lonely, and pushed into a corner and have a better perpective on things, I think I will quote Anna-san, from back when she was still chief instructor.
'In order to become stronger, don't worry over yourself, fight. It's hard to fight yourself, and it's painful, but unless you can through that, it's meaningless.'
Also, this has once again brought up the 'Do I want to go see the Dream Planets live' question. Part of me really just wants to not have anything to do with the current Actors/DPIS at all. But on the other hand, Takeshi--kun and Wakane-san and all of them haven't suddenly become horrible people, even if they really did say those things to Anna-san... And part of me wants to check them out, see how theyre doing. But maybe I will wait until just a concert, not the Yokohama Actor's recital-concert with them as a special act. I dont know. Maybe I'm just too lazy, and too scared to go now.

 
On Friday when I went to class, the first thing I saw was Maiko-san, in a blue tee shirt. She came over and said 'A-chan hisashiburi!', and we clasped hands. Then she hugged me. I hugged her back tightly. It made me happy, because she didn't hug me the class before (I think she forgot, maybe). I noticed she had a pained expression on her face, and asked if she was daijoubu. She said 'I'm...' Then she paused and asked me how to say 'seiri' in English. I told her it was 'period', and she nodded. 'I'm period.' She said forlonly. It was very cute. I thought about correcting her, but decided she looked like she was in enough pain already.
Anna-san told the obasan's that now she could make copies of the songs onto MD to. They said sugoi!~ She said proudly 'Sugoi desho!' but added laughingly that she was in 'Shakin jigoku' (Loan hell). because of it.
I had kind of hoped that maybe Kou would be at class, since apparently he's home for Spring Break. But he was't. Atsushi and Yuuta were though. So was Namio-kun, for the first time in a long time. Anna-san introduced him again, as it was so hisashiburi, and also introduced Atsushi, saying 'Atsushi has got his hair, and become really handsome!' (Atsushi ha kami wo kitte kakkoyokunarimashita!). Atsushi was wearing a bandanna, so we couldn't see his hair. Anna-san asked to see it, but he refused. She leaned over, and said, in a cute, whiny, pseudo-sexy voice 'Misete~'. ('Show me...') He shook his head. Anna-san resumed her leaning over position and her voice. 'Mita~i' (I wanna see....). So he took off his bandana. His hair was very short. I was disapointed, because it looked so cool before. In all the commotion Anna-san forgot to introduce Yuta, which Maiko-san pointed out. Then Maiko-san went jumping around and pirouetting saying 'What about me!' Then she stopped. 'Oh, but I'm here all the time, so I guess you all know me...'
Anna-san said, 'And this is our Mai-chin!' And Maiko-san did a ballet like pose on one leg. LOL
The first thing we did was play Beat onigokko. This was the first time I've played it since my first class. First we played it with Atsushi, Namio and Yuta being it, and having to catch all of us in order to win. They were amazing. We could all just run frantically, sometimes half-heartedly skipping or spinning, but they actually danced. I got caught. I say on the floor with the others. Then we were going to play again. We thought that we were the only ones who had gotten caught, but then it turned out the everyone else had just stood up again. Anna-san noticed we were still sitting and laughed at us, beckoning us to come over. Yuta-kun complained jokingly to Anna-san, 'Why were you happy when Atsushi touched (tagged) you, but you weren't happy when I did?' (NAnde Atsushi ni sawaretara ureshisou nanoni ore ni sawareta toki ha ureshiku nakattan desu kaa) They both laughed. During the next game, Anna-san got caught by someone, and became it. It was also cool and cute to watch her, because she looked like she was having a lot of fun. She caught someone, and threw her hands up happily. 'Yatta!'.
During one fo the breaks, Anna-sa was running around chasing a little boy, both laughing happily. She yelled in a smaller kid-friendly yell 'Konchikusho! Machiyagare!'( 'Come back here you, ruffian!') It was so cute. I think she'd make a good mother, she's so cute with all the little kids.
Maiko-san also took her hair down ar one part. She looked so beautiful.
Then we split into our groups for the Run DMC dance. My group, group 1 is me, Midoriko, the 3 obasans, and Ai-chan (who was absent). This meant I didn't have a partner and had to do it on my own. Anna-san said she would watch our group. Lucky! We practiced, bumping into eachother quite a bit, and Anna-san said that she would like to watch everyone alone. (Hitorizutsu check shitai to omou.) Well, actually she checked people in pairs, except for me. But she kept smiling at me, so it was ok that I was alone. After I had gone (messing up in the middle ^^;) she said, 'A-chan, minna mitai ni machigaetara egao de komagasu you ni narimasho.' (Let's learn to fake it with a smile if you mess up, like the others do.) I nodded. Then we practiced again all together. Anna-san laughed, saying we all looked so scrunched up, and our faces had these scrunched up looks on them (she showed us with her own face. it was so funny!). She told us to smile, and not look like we were all trying to push into the same train car. We all laughed, and did some shoving and pushing movements. (I did too, and Anna-san laughed). So we tried a couple times more. We practiced a lot, still bumping into eachother until Anna-san said it was time to practice to the music. We did. I messed up at one part, and Anna-san smiled at me. I know I've said this a million times but I still absolutelt love her smile.
Then we all practiced together. I messed up again. *sigh*. But I tried to smile and keep going anyway.
After that we did the opening. Anna-san explained that we were doing the opening to the song Mickey. Maiko-san began to sing the tune. Anna-san inserted the Hey! Hey!'s. As Maiko-san began the second round, Anna-san said 'Ok, enough!' (mou ii.) and laughed. Anna-san explained that she would first come out and talk like she always did. (Itsumo doori ni) This made me think about how she'd always done the MC at the B.B concerts, and it made me sad for her for a moment. Then she said the Pop Class would come out, and then us, and then Jyn-Nye, who turned out to be Atsushi, Namio, Yuuta and someone else. We rain through the openning, with Maiko, Atsuhi and Yuuta taking the placeof each pop class group. That was very cool to watch, because they just came out and danced amazingly like always. Then we did House of Love. Maiko-san came up and asked if I was alright. She asked if I'd learned the rest. I said no. She said just to do the parts I had learned then. So I did. Anna-san told us not to get embaressed just because Yuta and Atsushi were watching us, because there might be some guys as good looking as them in the audience.
Maiko: Eee!!
Anna-san: Iru kamo shirenai! (There might be!)
Maiko: Eeee!
Anna-san: Reaction chigau!! (That's not the right reaction!)
Lastly we did Seigi no Mikata. Namio-kun was really funny at the end, flexing his very impressive and rather intimidating muscles. Then we did cool down.While we were doing the deep breathes, Anna-san said. 'Take a deep breath...' (Shinkoukyu sutte) and Namio added 'Deeper...' (Motto sutte) and Anna-san laughed and said we didn't have to.
I asked Anna-san about the Run DMC song. She said she'd looked it up, but she couldn't figure out wat the title was. I asked her about the tape I'd given her last class. She said 'Wasurechatta! Gomen ne!' With an apologetic expression, and promised she'd tape it next time for me.
Then I talked to the obasan's about practicing more, and they told me that they've reserved the Box for Weds in May.
Then I went into the dressing room. Anna-san and Maiko-san were both int their changed. Maiko-san was standing right next to my locker, so I couldn't look at her, atthough I did talk to her while she was changing. She had on black silk cargo pants like the pink ones I bought. I told her I had just bought pink ones. She said that she had really wanted beige/gold ones, but she figured the black would be easier to use for a costume (for performing). She also wore a black leathery shirt.
I looked up over at Anna-san for a moment, only to realize that she was wearing no shirt, only her bra. I looked away quickly, reflexively. But I got a glimpse of her. Her bra was beige satin, and padded, with beige lace. Then I saw her underwear, which were plain black cotton. Her clothes were a beige polo like shirt, which was open pretty low at the neck, and jean which were jean in the front and beige suede in the back. She looked very cool, as did Maiko-san. She also wore a new necklace today, with two crosses on it.
Maiko-san asked me what was up.I said that I was just spacing out. Then Maiko-san and Anna-san both were at the mirrordoing their hair and putting on make up. They both looked so cool and fashionable. It's the first time I've seen either of them in their regular clothes.
The funny thing about seeing Anna-san in her underwear was this: I've been wanting to, secretly. I mean, I definately timed my changing room time yesterday so that I might see her. But now that I have, I feel guilty about it. Can you imagine? I'm like fricking Malfoy in Seamus is Seamus and you are yourself (cue quote from said fanfic: The truth is, it meant so much to me that I wanted it.... God, this is embarrassing- I wanted it to be *right.* Not a word very common to the Malfoy dictionary, is it? I wanted it to be *special.* I didn't want to kiss Harry properly for the first time in a dingy, grotty toilet. It would *cheapen* him, somehow. And Harry deserves the best.
But am *I* the one to give it to him? Oh my GOD. I'm developing *morals.*
And *now* I'm feeling... *guilty.* I'm experiencing feelings of actual GUILT!
Could things *get* any worse?!) I mean, I'm supposed to be happy about it, and yet I feel bad about seeing her! And it's not even like I saw very much. I mean, I turned away after about litterally 2 secs. It was the tiniest glimpse. Certainly not enough to even provoke any lascivious thoughts, so its not like I was thinking anything disrespectful. But still. LOL
Anyway, Everyone else was changing and talking, and laughing though, and it made me lonely and feel awkward, since I was basically standing around watching everyone change, because I didn't change myself. So I ended up leaving quietly. It made me feel really lonely. Especially because for some reason, accidently seeing Anna-san changing, and in her regular clothes made me really realize how much distance there is between us. I mean, how our relationship is just student and instructor, and nothing more. I could never even see her outside of class. These thoughts made me quite depressed, especially when I realized I couldn't call Mochi or Ka-chan to talk about them, because they were not in Japan anymore. I tried calling Ayako, but she was busy. After I hung up, I almost cried. I sat down on the sidewalk outside of the Rapport, and wished more than anything that Anna-san or Maiko-san would come along and save me. But they didn't, of course. After awhile I got up and called Mai. I talked to her for a little bit, and explained things as best i could. She assured me that I would becime closer with Anna-san, and not to rush things. Later, I saw she had written me an e-mail of much the same thing. It cheered me up alittle, but basically I felt very lonely and numb, and I really understood the danger of host clubs.
Incidently, this all brought on an strange strange dream that night. In my dream, I met this host. I asked him about his job, and he sweet talked me, and told me to come to his Host Club. I agreed that I would, but realized that Caroline might want to come, so I e-mailed her on my keitai. Then, somehow next scene I was walking with Maiko-san, who took me to a sushi restaurant for lunch. It happened to be the Host Club, which was for some reason half sushi restaurant, and half host club. I had my cell phone out on the table, waiting for Caroline's e-mail back, and I was trying to avoid my host, because I wasn't supposed to see him in club until a certain time. Then, suddenly the mafia came in, and started shooting, and telling everyone to stay quiet and no one would get hurt. I huddled against the booth I was sitting in as bullets grazed my ear. Maiko-san told me not to squeak. Then I woke up. It was a very strange dream. LOL
LAstly, and completely unrelated, to pretty much anything in this blog entry, my fav. quote from SIS, by Harry, of course.
'I *really* need a father figure who's not an escaped convict....'