Boy am I stressed. I've been working on my Hindu paper all day, and I only have 4 pages written. That means 6 to go. I was trying to go for 5 pages today, but I don't know if I have the strength/energy to write one more page tonight. I have learned the hard way that liking and being very interested in a topic in no way means that you will like and have fun/and easy time writing the paper on it. I mean, I've done a lot of reading on it all, esp Krishna and Radha, and I love them. I wish I could just read about them, and not write the paper. I was on a mini-roll until I found that the footnotes in my one book identify all the mythical episodes mentioned in the poems, which while it makes it easier for me to write my paper (since that's a large part of what I'm doing), also serves to only reinforce my feeling of 'What's the point of writing this paper?' which had been plaguing me. So then I went to write some e-mails to Japanese friends, and randomly reread the e-mail in which Y broke up with me. And felt nothing, except to realize, yeah, I bet it was kind of 'heavy' talking to me then, since I didn't know anyone here, and had no friends, so I relied mostly on Y. Well, there is one stage of my life that is completely closed. Then I reread my e-mails from Anna-san, and Yuki-san. Not a good idea. While the Anna ones made me a little happy, being letters from her, with her English, and her tone, etc, I was altogether filled with a sense of 'what might have been', not to mention the normality and rationality of Yuki-san's letters, which contrasted sharply with what seems to be going on at Dream Planet now. And so then I sat there, literally unable to move for a couple minutes, because my chest was so heavy. But I will not get depressed about it all again. After all, I've only been undepressed about it again for...a day or two? But this is clearly not a stage in my life that is done. I am far from over it, and it hurts just as much - more- than my first love did.
Onto happier things, I was craving Chinese, and so went out to Main Moon with Hen, where we discussed our blasphemous 'fanfic', which was much fun, and then later San-san came to eat leftovers of said Chinese food, and she watched BB, and seemed to have a very favorable response, including adorable compliments about Maiko-san which I will censor so as not to disrupt San's cool, unsqueal-y image. ;) Suffice to say that BB WAVES -not BB Planets- but BB WAVES, as I saw them live, as they are in my video, as they are meant to be, with Maiko-san and under Anna-san's loving and watchful eye, KICK ASS! There is nothing like them in the world. (Maybe not even themselves anymore...^^; )

 
More thoughts. Earlier today I watched the 'Making of the Osaka concert' from the BB Waves webpage (which I'd been saving till I got my video :-) )and there was a part with Anna-san sitting down with all the members and telling them things they needed to fix, etc, and then one with her scolding the Okinawa and Osaka BB's for not singing together enough. the best part was when I was watching my video, and they did 'Starting over', cuz when Anna-san introduced it (she MC (ed?) all their concerts) it was like 'la lala Japenese la lal 'Starting Over' (perfect English). And that made me happy. Because for some reason, when I heard that, I really remembered (as opposed to knowing cuz well, Anna-san always does (did?) their MC's...that's right. This is Anna-san's voice, I remember it.' And it made me so happy, because...Part of what's hurt me so much this whole time, even before everything started to get messed up at Actors, was that I felt as tho my memory of my time in Okinawa was slipping away from me. Like, that I could remember her face so well, etc. So it made me so happy. And later, at Kyudo, I got this vivid memory of that moment when I walked into Actor's and Takeshi came to Welcome us.
I think the hardest thing about all this is...even now, I love the members of BB, and I always will...
Just the way I love Maiko and Anna-san...
Like Hakase-san said a long time ago...it's not the people, the individuals that are bad...it's the methods they're using...
But if Hyper really has become part of 'Love Junx', I really want to join it. I mean, it's really simple. I wante to join Hyper ever since I couldn't go to Dream Planet. If the Hyper class has become part of Anna-san's school, then I'll go to Anna-san. See, simple? And yet not. Or maybe, even more so, because...we all know I'd go to be where Anna-san was, wherever she was....

 
I had a long conversation on AIM with Mochi. She told me how she saw Actor's in Okinawa, so I finally told her all the stuff about what happened with Actor's. It felt good to talk with her about it. I really love Mochi so much. She's such a wonderful person. I had actually been thinking about her earlier, because Nemo-sen put up her picture on the Nihongo board, it she looked lonely in it. It will be so great to see her. She rereallly is such a spoecial person. I can't express it in words, but I really do love her so much, and I really feel l loved by her as well. I mean, even just talking to her, I felt this great outpouring of love for her...

 
Here is my deep Makino-esque thought for the day. (A 'Makinoism' like the BB web site used to say?)
This is why school is bad. It keeps me stuck doing pointless things I hate, which leaves me no time for doing things that makes other people happy, like translating Furuba manga, or buying them X'mas presents. Ok, so maybe it's a slightly flippant deep thought, but there is definate truth to it. Just exchange 'translating manga, etc' with 'teaching dance to kids with Downs Syndrome', or something, and there you go.

 
Yay! Long live the Ka-chan!! I got my package from her today with my 3 BB WAVES singles and my live video ( 2001 @ Osaka) I actually think I like the live version of 'Song for you' better, but that may also be because that's the first I've been listening to for a year. But still! It's still kicks ass! And the video! The first part wasn't so good, being Kansai BB and Baby Waves, but the rest, with Okinawa BB was so great!! It definately had the feeling of the concert I went to see! (which I still want a video of! Grr). Everyone had so much energy and joy!! And I grew to really like Shoko and Kiyoka. Ayako is ok to, altho she has kind of a weird expression. She always looks kind of intense. And...Takeshi, Maiko-san, Neychin, Hinata...were all amazing!!! I found myself turning into a fangirl many times with them. Esp. Takeshi (Kya~, Takeshi, kakkoii~~~~!!) and also Anna-san, who did the MC. Yes, I turned into a fangirl over Anna-san's 'Tsugi no kyoku ha BB no Dance Team de, 'Graceful Combat'!!!' etc, and yelled 'Kya~ Anna-san!!!' ^^;; What can I say? I love Anna-san.... And her voice is still a lot higher and feminine (younger?) than I expect. I'm always suprised when I hear it. But, anyway, BB rocks!! They were the best!!! And I pray that they can go back to how they were!!

 
Hmm...no one seems to be back here yet but me. Which is lonely. But I'm always lonely after spending a long time with Em, because we're always together. So to go from that to just being alone is very...well, lonely. And heaven knows I have enough work that it should distract me from my lonliness until everyone gets back. Except I don't think I'll do my work yet. I need just one more day to kick back before the last hellish weeks begin. My goal in life now is just to make it out of this semester alive and well, without going mad, and with all my papers turned in. None of which I've started writing. So now I am sitting at my desk, rather lonely, and unsatisfied, what with MAX having been on many shows (esp. the broadcast of their School festival concert), not of which are (yet?) available for download anywhere, and knawing on the big ass hersey kiss Hen gave me for comfort.
All that aside, I did have a very good thanksgiving though. I don't actually feel like writing about it in detail now, suffice to say that Erik sang for us all, and he accompanied me while I sang 'Sweet 19 Blues'. Yay. The power to move people is an amazing thing. Maybe someday I will have it, like Erik does.