Concentration 20

Yay I have comments now!! (I hope!) I feel very overwhelmed by stress, and stuff I have to do. I have to write my evil Greek paper for Thurs, study for the first quiz in aforementioned Greek course (the first test of whether or not we've actuaully be doing our work for the class. Which I haven't! But I've been to every class.... And I don't even want to think about the midterm. Speaking of which, I think our CompSci midterm is on the same day...Oct 28. Oh god....I'm gonnan die....) Then there's the other things I have to figure ouit at some point, the tickets to go see Mako/Cy, Halloween, and then the nagging other things I should do, like figure out if/how I'm gonna write a letter to REVO about the current state of BB/Actor's/DPIS....
So, in light of all this pressing work, I will do the right thing, and go have my Chinese food at the Sugar Shock Shack, and maybe weatch (re-watch) some Furuba. Ahh Aviodence...the best of Freud's coping mechanisms!!!

Well, Henner's begged me to update, so here we go.
Last night I dreamt I was at Actor's, dancing with B.B WAVES. But then I got in trouble, because they were doing a dance for a concert or something. Anyway, so Makino-sensei called me into the lesson room, and we sat on the floor together. He asked me what I had decided to do, and how I felt about Actor's and everything. He was very nice and personable, however with a little bit of an overwhelming aura, like he is in real life. First I told him how much I loved Actor's and BB, and everyone, and then, crying, because I knew he wouldn't like it, and I wished it hadn't happened, I confessed to him what I had heard about the way Actor's was now, and how it was like a cult now. And of course he got angry, and yelled. And I think he killed me. Because I think I was a ghost after that, and I had to go and get my body, or something. I don't know...
But it made me think, when I woke up...About how I wish I could talk to him, again, and to Yuki, the Japanese-American instructor from Dream Planet. I don't know.... No matter how bad it is now, and how scary....there's a part of me that would join them. Just to be with them all in some form. Just to be there in some way. And that's really scary.
But I think part of it is....this is all so abstract....I mean...it's mostly hearsay, and what's written on their website, and in the BB REVO magazine I just read. It's really just a feeling....'something's changed', 'they're not the same anymore....', 'it's no good like this; this can't go on.....'. I can't really explain it, anymore than I could explain what they were like before they changed. Now I get a sense of...closed off-ness....they're closed off from the world....and they're fighting....everything I read, they mention that....fighting, fighting, we'll win! And Actor's always had a little bit of that, but it was fighting yourself, pushing down your bad qualities, learning your weak points, and changing them. But now....they've got some much emotion...an excess of emotion....but they don't have anywhere to direct it to now...they say they want to communicate it....but to who...for what purpose....because they don't care about 'everyone' just 'everyone' in BB, in DPIS. What are they fighting now? what are they fighting for? I don't know... and I don't think they do either....
I watched a bunch of old BB stuff from the Fan Club page last night, and...they had a purpose then...to bring joy to people through entertainment. It was simple, but it worked. And I think....BB needs that purpose....they need that dimension. Because then they had something to reach for, somethign concrete they were doing....without that goal, without that purity, 'I want to make be happy through my song, through what I'm doing...', or maybe Makino-sensei put it best, in the BB Passport ' All people are born with a talent. I want even one more person to feel the wonderfulness of finding the talent sleeping inside yourself, raising it,and using that talent for the sake of others, the importance of not giving up what you love to do, and continuing it 'till the end.'
Without that purpose....BB are just too good. They have too much talent. They're frighteningly good.
Lastly, and basically unrelated, altho I was thinking about this while I listened to DA PUMP yesterday, whatever I end up doing, when I graduate, I want it to be something creative, something tangible. I want to make something, to have something to show for my effort. And I think that's why I like singers, and singing so much, because they spend so long on a song, and then it's out, for everyone to listen to, someting they can look back on later and say, 'This is who I was back then, this is how I felt. This is what I was *doing*'