Concentration 20

Ok, well I'm too numb to write this all out again, so I'm just gonna copy and paste parts of my various 'talking out's with people:
I went to see the new Dream Planet page And it's... it was pretty scary...All pictures of the kids crying... Like in some kind of religious exctasy or something And one was of my friend, Hinata
And then, all the writing...I don't know...most of the ideas haven't changed, they're as good as ever, but...it's so mixed up with all these cult type methods and stuff, ect now, it just changes it all....
DexSmash: it uscks when soemthing you believe in so much crumbles
VprClaudia: I mean, it's not really any more than what Hakase-san told me, but it's like...seeing it with my own eyes... You know?
DexSmash: Yeah I do. Reality confrontation. You know what they say, seeing is believeing

VprClaudia: It's just so confusing...cuz like...I skimmed some of the text, and...for as much scary cult-ish stuff there was as much really good ideas, ideas that haven't changed since I went, since before I ever went.... So it just makes it so confusing...Cuz you know, nothings black and white
And like, it almost makes me feel bad...for still believing in the essence of what they're trying to teach....because as far as I can tell, strip away all that cultish methods, and even imagery that's there now, and the basic ideas are the same....
DexSmash: well there's nothing wrong with believeing in and ideal
VprClaudia: But you know...it makes me feel...guily or something....like...when my mom's friend's Chris and Ronnie heard that they were going to take me to Okinawa to meet Anna-san, ect, they said 'are you crazy? that place is a cult, he's brain=washing people'. Now of course they didn't know anything baout it, and it WASN'T like that at all, but NOW....now it...is, basically, and...I don't want people to be able to say...'I told you so.' It's hard to explain.
DexSmash: BUt it doesn't matter Adrienne, can't you see? It doesn;t matter what other people think because they weren't there
VprClaudia: I know...but.... It just makes me so...I don't know...disappointed....because it WASN'T like this when I went...And...it just hurts so much to have it turn out this way....
DexSmash: I know, I understand. But there's no sense upsetting yourself about it because it isn't going to change. It'll just make you hurt even more
VprClaudia: I know...but I can't help it. I don't like falling apart every time a new piece of info comes out. I don't like breaking down and crying every time. But I can't help it...not yet. I put so much of myself into it all....
DexSmash: I know, I understand that. I mean, maybe not exactly, but i know that it hurts and that you put a lot of your efforts into making that dream a reality
VprClaudia: Yeah
VprClaudia: I think...part of the problem is...
VprClaudia: Since I put so much into that...I don't really know what to do, now that it doesn't really exist anymore...
VprClaudia: I mean...I found all that right when I was looking for something...or rather, when I found it, I found what I was looking for...
VprClaudia: And now that that answer is gone...
DexSmash: ou find another dream. It;s hard, but there are t ons. And you are SO multi talented
VprClaudia: All I have is the questions again
VprClaudia: It's not that easy
DexSmash: it never is
DexSmash: my point was simply that you will find soemting, if not your dream, soemhting to do while you're waiting for your dream
VprClaudia: And now I feel like I'm back at the beginning again, albeit with some new ideals, some new clues, maybe but.... In general nothing's changed, ,not so much. I still don't know why I'm here. I don't really have a goal. I'm just here...because I'm here....
DexSmash: Yeah I know skids. I feel the same way I just feeling like I'm floating, going through the motions
VprClaudia: I'm just doing this all sort of mindlessly. Because it's something to fill the days
VprClaudia: exactly
DexSmash: I know, and it scares me too, or depresses me
VprClaudia: That's what Actor's/DPIS used to be for. To help people figure out...not what they wanted to be, but what kind of person they wanted to be. It used to be a path to help people start thinking about that, to find their own individual answer. But now...it's become not the path to many different answers, but the answer it's self.
DexSmash: that's what it sounds like. I don't know what to say really Skids. Just hang in there for now. Japan'll be good for you
VprClaudia: Yeah, I hope so
VprClaudia: I'm glad Anna-san's not there anymore. I'm glad Maiko-san's not there anymore.
DexSmash: yeah, that is good. People you can still look up to?
VprClaudia: Yeah
VprClaudia: And plus...it means they're not part of...the way things are now
DexSmash: did you ever suspect they would be?
VprClaudia: no, but still...
DexSmash: they seem (from the way you described them) like they are prettys trong characters
VprClaudia: yeah
DexSmash: so that's a plus.
DexSmash: Could you study with them?
VprClaudia: I don't see how I could study with them tho. Anna-san's teaching dance to kids with Downs Syndrome, and Maiko-san is...well...I don't know where Maiko-san is now...hopefully we'll be able to hear her sing again someday...cuz that's what she aid too
DexSmash: oh, I guess you couldn't really study w./Anna san
VprClaudia: Yeah
VprClaudia: We had a Japanese language table on Monday, and I stayed later with an aid and a teacher, cuz we could all talk normally, and I ened up telling them all about Actor's and what had happened. (A lot about Anna-san, I think, cuz I wanted them to understanf about her). And at the end, this was their two comments about it all. 'You've been thru a lot in Japan', and 'Do you want to see Anna-san again?'
DexSmash: how did you answer them
VprClaudia: I said yes! That's one of the first things I thought. 'I probably will never be able to see her again...'
DexSmash: I bet you could. SHe could help you into somewher or at the very least have lunch
DexSmash: *she
VprClaudia: LOL maybe
VprClaudia: *imagines having lunch with Anna-san* ^^;
DexSmash: LOL. well you know, it could happen
VprClaudia: Hank, being Hank, actually invited Makino-sensei, Anna-san, and Yuki out ot dinner with us. But they either didn't understand the English, didn't hear, or decided to ignore it. ^^;
DexSmash: aRE YOU SERIOUS?
DexSmash: oops
VprClaudia: LOL yeah
DexSmash: I bet she'd go with you for lunch
VprClaudia: You know, if I could ever find her, and ask her, she just might. Anna-san's nice like that
DexSmash: YAY that's so kool. Do you have an email address?
VprClaudia: No. Only for Actor's.
DexSmash: oh. well...
DexSmash: hmm...
VprClaudia: But I know that (as of August) she's living in Setagaya-ku outside of Yokohama now
VprClaudia: LOL
VprClaudia: I could find out where she teaches and casually wander in... LOL
The conversation degernerates into jokes about stalking Anna-san... ^^;;;
And so I think I'm feeling a little more genki now. Just holding fast to Anna-san's words... 'Don't worry about yourself. Fight.'