I think I need to get myself to Boston soon. I'm just about reaching my limit of sitting around and doing nothing. Aside from the fact that I just hate to spend my days so uselessly, it gives me too much time to think, and get depressed. Everything seems to say, 'Who cares what people think, just go for your dream, no matter what.' And I feel like I'm going against all of that, by not going to DPIS now. I still haven't heard from Makino-sensei/Yuki. What with OAS moving from Naha to Ginowan (I guess it's getting it's own building, which is exciting- no more department store floors!) and being in with DPIS until the building is done, all of the prep for The REVOLUTION tour, not to mention all the mysterious 'moving' and 'changing' OAS has apparently been going through, it's understandable, but it just gives me more time to worry. I don't think this'll happen (knock on wood), but If this was my only chance, and I threw it away....I don't know what I'll do. I really don't. I won't be able to forgive myself. My heart and my mind has been Makino-ized, and I need to be a part of their world. To make it part of mine. To do something meaningful.
I can't bear it...

 
*sigh* I don't know why I do anytihng when it gets to be this late. I just get depressed or nostolgic or strange things like that. And of course tonight was no exception. I was writing an e-mai back to RM, telling her more about Actor's, ect, and I decided on a whim to read the old post from Anna-san from the B.B Diary, and by luck found someone's report of a 'Kengaku Tour' of Actor's from this year, which had some comments by Anna-san, and, was completely unprepared for the almost debilitating pain that overwhelmed, reading these. Thinking about it, it was almost like what I used ot feel thinking about Y, after we broke up. God... Is is possible to love someone after meeting them only once? After idolizing them and what they stand for for so long, and then finding in them the most gentle and loving heart imaginable? It hurts that I can't really remember her face so well anymore; manners dictate you look into the eyes of the one who's speakng to you, so didn't have so many chances to sneak a glance at her then, Sensei talked much more than she. I wish I'd gotten to talk with her more; it came to me tonight that I'd just sit there and listen to her talk to me forever, fill my soul with her words and her thoughts, drink them in...Words, and words, and words, give me something tangible, somehting to hold in my heart, memories to fill the gaps of those that disappear...I've learned that it's usually the thoughts and emotions that flash through your mind like insight, unexpected, and unbidden that are the ones that tend to be your true feelings, especially that ones that go angainst what you conciously want to think. And that wave of sadness, hopelessness took me completely by suprise. I don't know if these feelings make sense, or if they're wise, they certainly won't go anywhere, nothing can come of them...I don' t even really know what they are...simply akogare, respect, idolization, love, what? Do I adore Anna-san, respect her, look up to her, more than anyone (except Makino-sensei, that is)? Yes, of course, even more so now that I know a bit of what she's really like... Do I love her? Yes. Whether it makes sense or not, whether it makes me a crazed obssessed fangirl, yes. But am I IN love with her? It's not possible, not advisable, not logical, it doen't make sense. I can't be. For so many reasons. Does it really matter, the difference between love, and 'in love'? Not really, because nothing can come of this, either way. So I guess the answer is no. But I do love her...and I think it's all tied to this hole in my soul, that I've been trying to fill, ever since I realized college wasn't going to do it... This hole that the things I saw and heard and experienced at Actor's started to fill up...And Anna-san holds the key to all of that. Anna-san IS that.... 'At first, they all come here wanting to become singers...but it's not important, what you want to become, what matters most is deeper...what kind of person do you want to be? It's hard and strict, in order to become strong, but if you don't overcome it, it's meaningless. Don't worry about yourself, fight. It's not whether you can or can't do something...but whether you want or don't want to do something...'
*sigh* 2 am makes my head spin, and my heart sentimental. I should never be allowed to write something in this state. Things cut some much deeper at this time of night....